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New Pumpkin Spice Channel To Offer Fall-Themed Hardcore Pornography

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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New Pumpkin Spice Channel To Offer Fall-Themed Hardcore Pornography

NEW YORK—Accommodating their viewers’ nonstop demands for seasonal hardcore porn, Spice Networks has rolled out their new Pumpkin Spice Channel, offering 24-hour autumn-themed pornographic films and videos. “Now the world’s dirtiest sluts can be seen taking it in every hole while they’re apple picking in northern Massachusetts or when their fall foliage tour guide turns out to be a hot M.I.L.F who’s ready to party,” Spice publicist Glenn Fitzhugh said at a Monday press event.  “We are proud to give our fans this new service, launching Friday night with soon-to-be autumnal porn classics The Pumpkin Snatch, In Cider, and Indian Cornholers. You’ll also love our Halloween Spootakular featuring Ron Jeremy in Frankenstein’s Monster Cock.” Fitzhugh added that early subscribers will receive free access to the pay-per-view Skanksgiving broadcast of Gobble-Gobble 2: Stuffed Again.

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