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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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New Receiver Michael Jenkins Unable To Finish Reading Vikings' Tedious Playbook

MANKATO, MN—Newly acquired Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Michael Jenkins told reporters Tuesday he was struggling to finish reading his new playbook, calling it tedious, unoriginal, and oftentimes "all over the place." "I've read a lot of playbooks, and I'm always paying closest attention to the receivers, and some of the things I'm seeing in here I don't think a wideout would actually do," said Jenkins, adding that in some places the playbook is completely contrived and boring, and that on several occasions he’s fallen asleep after reading just four or five pages. "Now the Falcons’ playbook, that was great. I couldn't put it down. I breezed through that baby in two nights and honestly found myself wanting to go back and read parts of it again." As of press time, Jenkins was attempting to watch Vikings game film but reportedly walked out of the projection room after just 10 minutes.

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