New Receiver Michael Jenkins Unable To Finish Reading Vikings' Tedious Playbook

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Vol 47 Issue 32

Seeing Eye Dog Really Blows Off Some Steam In Dog Park

FORT COLLINS, CO—From the moment he was let loose in a local dog park Saturday, golden retriever and licensed Seeing Eye dog Biscuit reportedly blew off some steam by jumping up to lick people's faces, urinating on smaller dogs, and chasing almost e...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

New Receiver Michael Jenkins Unable To Finish Reading Vikings' Tedious Playbook

MANKATO, MN—Newly acquired Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Michael Jenkins told reporters Tuesday he was struggling to finish reading his new playbook, calling it tedious, unoriginal, and oftentimes "all over the place." "I've read a lot of playbooks, and I'm always paying closest attention to the receivers, and some of the things I'm seeing in here I don't think a wideout would actually do," said Jenkins, adding that in some places the playbook is completely contrived and boring, and that on several occasions he’s fallen asleep after reading just four or five pages. "Now the Falcons’ playbook, that was great. I couldn't put it down. I breezed through that baby in two nights and honestly found myself wanting to go back and read parts of it again." As of press time, Jenkins was attempting to watch Vikings game film but reportedly walked out of the projection room after just 10 minutes.

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