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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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New Receiver Michael Jenkins Unable To Finish Reading Vikings' Tedious Playbook

MANKATO, MN—Newly acquired Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Michael Jenkins told reporters Tuesday he was struggling to finish reading his new playbook, calling it tedious, unoriginal, and oftentimes "all over the place." "I've read a lot of playbooks, and I'm always paying closest attention to the receivers, and some of the things I'm seeing in here I don't think a wideout would actually do," said Jenkins, adding that in some places the playbook is completely contrived and boring, and that on several occasions he’s fallen asleep after reading just four or five pages. "Now the Falcons’ playbook, that was great. I couldn't put it down. I breezed through that baby in two nights and honestly found myself wanting to go back and read parts of it again." As of press time, Jenkins was attempting to watch Vikings game film but reportedly walked out of the projection room after just 10 minutes.

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