Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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New Report Finds Voters Have No Idea How Outraged They Supposed To Be About Anything Anymore

WASHINGTON—Saying that at this point, they were just taking their best guesses at how they should react to each new scandal that emerged about the presidential nominees, voters across the country admitted Monday they had no clue how outraged they are supposed to be about anything anymore. “It seems like there’s a new revelation that comes out each day about Trump or Hillary, and to be honest, I couldn’t even begin to tell you which ones I should just shake my head at and which ones are worth actually getting worked up about,” said Tempe, AZ voter Jeffrey Wilborne, who noted that between the recent breaking news alerts he received about the FBI reopening an investigation into Clinton’s emails just days ahead of the election and the barrage of apoplectic posts from friends on Facebook aimed at either the Democratic candidate or the FBI director, it was hard enough to tell which side to actually be resentful toward, let alone how angry to get. “I felt like it was pretty clear that I should be mad at Trump for what he said on that bus and at Hillary for telling Wall Street completely different things than she was telling us. But what about all that Clinton Foundation stuff? Should I be furious or just let that slide? I’m completely lost over here.” At press time, the nation’s electorate had settled on being completely apathetic to everything from here on out.

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