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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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New Report Reveals Kentucky Seniors Forced To Endure Brutal Hazing From Freshman Players

LEXINGTON, KY—In an appalling revelation that has sent shockwaves through the program, multiple reports confirmed Thursday that seniors on this year’s University of Kentucky basketball team were repeatedly subjected to cruel and degrading forms of hazing by the team’s freshman players. “We discovered a number of incidents in which Kentucky’s upperclassmen were forced to carry the squad’s gym bags to and from practice, sit in a locked closet for hours at a time, and consume excessive amounts of alcohol until the point of vomiting,” said NCAA investigator Derek Jones, adding that the humiliating and barbaric rituals were strictly enforced by the team’s first-year players. “This was apparently seen as a way to make the seniors understand their place on the team, but regardless of the reasoning, it is absolutely unacceptable. Several players said they were often frightened for their safety, but felt they had to continue or they would be punished even further by their freshman teammates. Unfortunately, this is a growing trend among top college basketball programs, and it has to be stopped.” Following the report, the University of Kentucky athletic department announced the immediate suspension of all accused players amid an internal investigation, leaving Wildcats coach John Calipari no choice but to field a starting lineup with no freshmen in the NCAA Tournament.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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