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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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New Report Reveals Kentucky Seniors Forced To Endure Brutal Hazing From Freshman Players

LEXINGTON, KY—In an appalling revelation that has sent shockwaves through the program, multiple reports confirmed Thursday that seniors on this year’s University of Kentucky basketball team were repeatedly subjected to cruel and degrading forms of hazing by the team’s freshman players. “We discovered a number of incidents in which Kentucky’s upperclassmen were forced to carry the squad’s gym bags to and from practice, sit in a locked closet for hours at a time, and consume excessive amounts of alcohol until the point of vomiting,” said NCAA investigator Derek Jones, adding that the humiliating and barbaric rituals were strictly enforced by the team’s first-year players. “This was apparently seen as a way to make the seniors understand their place on the team, but regardless of the reasoning, it is absolutely unacceptable. Several players said they were often frightened for their safety, but felt they had to continue or they would be punished even further by their freshman teammates. Unfortunately, this is a growing trend among top college basketball programs, and it has to be stopped.” Following the report, the University of Kentucky athletic department announced the immediate suspension of all accused players amid an internal investigation, leaving Wildcats coach John Calipari no choice but to field a starting lineup with no freshmen in the NCAA Tournament.

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