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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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New Robert Altman Film Released Straight To Special-Edition Director's-Cut DVD

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Super Sunday, the latest film from acclaimed director Robert Altman, will be released straight to special collector's-edition director's-cut DVD, Daily Variety reported Monday. The film, which follows the parallel stories of 14 separate Super Bowl parties in different parts of the country, is slated to hit video stores Nov. 30. "Altman buffs rejoice: This never-before-seen director's cut features 77 minutes of additional footage not included in the theatrical non-release," Criterion Collection spokesman Tim Page said. "Also included are special commentary tracks from Altman, screenwriter Anne Rapp, and some of the film's stars, including Julianne Moore, Tim Roth, Lili Taylor, Matthew Modine, Michael Murphy, Bob Balaban, Martin Mull, Henry Gibson, Teri Garr, Jeff Goldblum, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Danny Aiello, Robert Downey Jr., Ned Beatty, and Lyle Lovett."

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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