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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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New ‘RoboCop’ Trailer Reveals Main Character To Be Some Sort Of Robotic Policeman

LOS ANGELES—According to sources, a new trailer released Thursday for the upcoming film RoboCop revealed that the movie’s main character seems to be some kind of futuristic robotic policeman or law enforcement officer. “The film—and I could be wrong—seems to posit a narrative world in which a half-machine, half-man is apparently an active member of the police force and is charged with upholding the law as though he were a human member of the police force,” said 32-year-old Macon, GA resident Jeffrey Albertson, adding that while the trailer was somewhat ambiguous, he believes RoboCop will, by and large, focus primarily on the actions of a singular robotic cop and not a police force comprised of many robotic cops. “I would assume, based on what I’ve seen, that because he is a robot policeman, if you will, and because he has the benefits of robotic technology, he will therefore be carrying out some of the film’s more difficult police missions. Again, this is purely conjecture at this point.” Albertson said he would just have to wait for the movie to come out to see if the human and robotic elements of the character’s identity come into conflict with one another, especially during the film’s quieter, more emotional scenes.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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