adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Rocky Film Just Three Montages

HOLLYWOOD—Film critic Jeff Reese, who viewed an advanced screening of Rocky Balboa at Arclight Cinemas last Friday, has reported that the newest installment in the Rocky franchise is mainly composed of three extended montages. "The first [montage] occurs nine minutes into the film, right after Rocky is offered a chance to fight the champion, as Rocky recalls everything in his life that brought him to this point. There are flashbacks of, among other things, him arguing with Mick in his dingy apartment, ice-skating with Adrian, holding Apollo Creed while he dies in his arms, and defeating the Russian, all while several of the series' trademark musical numbers including 'The Measure of a Man' and 'There's no Easy Way Out' play in the background," said Reese, noting that the montage sequences were extremely well-edited and comprehensive. "Once we rejoin Stallone's character in the present, the film launches into a 25-minute training montage, set to an extended version of 'Eye of the Tiger' that eventually segues into 'Gonna Fly Now' as Rocky once again sprints up the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Once we finally arrive at the momentous final bout, Bill Conti's 'Going the Distance' is played as the number of each brutal round fades in and out, suggesting that the match is more of a long battle of attrition. That sort of thing." Reese added that the movie was "pretty much what [he] expected."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close