New Roomba Blender Makes Smoothie Out Of Everything In Its Path

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Vol 48 Issue 37

Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now

RENO, NV—Abandoning his campaign’s previous strategies for winning over undecided voters in advance of November’s presidential election, sources are reporting that Republican nominee Mitt Romney is now just telling people he grew up des...

Mark Carson

Mark Carson has made it his duty to immediately inform friends and family of any celebrity deaths, no matter what the deceased’s level of fame.

Area Man Can't Imagine Life Without This Woman

Paul Ryan is knocked over by a pack of rambunctious Romney boys, a personal trainer makes a man put on a humiliating little show for the entire gym, and Google's 9/11 homepage design stirs controversy.

No One Murdered Because Of This Image

WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives thr...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Energy

New Roomba Blender Makes Smoothie Out Of Everything In Its Path

BEDFORD, MA—In an exciting extension of their product line, the creators of the Roomba-brand self-directed vacuum cleaner have introduced the Yumba, a new household blender capable of mixing a rich, frothy smoothie out of whatever ingredients it sucks up from your floor. “With the Yumba, you can make a banana, floor sweepings, and wheat germ shake; a strawberry-mango-cigarette-butt frappé; or, for a light lunch, a zesty toenail-clipping-cat-hair-dead-skin-and-pineapple smoothie,” product developer Peter Olsen said Monday, demonstrating the new device on a carpet covered in sawdust, garden vegetables, and detritus. “Mmm, you can taste the cobwebs.” When asked if the Yumba could make smoothies out of pennies and melon, Haskins said that it could.

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