New Roommate Always There

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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New Roommate Always There

COLUMBUS, OHOhio State University student and local tenant Adam Polentz, 22, is growing increasingly bewildered and annoyed by roommate Daniel Brosima's constant presence in their apartment, Polentz reported Tuesday.

Brosima eats breakfast in the kitchen almost every morning.

"It's like the guy never leaves," Polentz said.

Whether silently eating his cereal, looking out the window, or reading a book while standing up, Brosima's quiet and  unvaried living habits have managed to "unnerve" Polentz.

"The other night I was in the living room watching TV and he came out of nowhere and sat right next to me without saying a word," Polentz said, wondering what Brosima's deal was. "He just sat there for 45 minutes, watching what I was watching, until I finally got up and left."

The two have lived together since late April, when Brosima responded to Polentz's "Roommate Wanted" ad in the campus newspaper. Polentz said that he regretted not being more specific about the type of person he was looking for, having chosen instead to highlight the apartment's "awesome patio."

"Even when he came over to check the apartment out, he kind of puttered around, opening and closing the silverware drawer, and peeking in closets," Polentz said. "Looking back, all the signs were there."

Polentz said his past roommates had been conspicuously mobile, frequently leaving the house and returning with fresh groceries, obvious suntans, and recently met women. But Brosima has exhibited no discernible interest in the world beyond his living quarters, instead spending hours  in the apartment's common areas playing solitaire or humming to himself.

Polentz claimed that, on the rare occasion that his roommate retreats to his bedroom, Brosima leaves the door wide open, even while asleep.

"I can't get away from him," Polentz said.

Adding to Polentz's frustration, Brosima has paid rent and utility bills on time without fail.

"He's got an income coming from somewhere," said Polentz, who last week increased his hours at his work-study position at the campus library in order to avoid Brosima's evening routine of aimless pacing and off-key whistling. "But I don't know where it comes from—he never leaves to go to a job."

Polentz said the situation reached a "critical mass" when he returned from a weekend trip to find Brosima lying on the couch wearing the same clothes and still watching ESPN, just as he was when Polentz left Friday evening.

 "I felt like I'd stepped through a wormhole," Polentz said. "Everything was exactly the same. Except now it was ESPN2, I believe." 

Some clues seem to indicate Brosima engages in a relatively normal level of day-to-day activity, among them, changes in facial hair, the presence of several recently dated magazines, and a jar of peanut butter belonging to Brosima that slowly emptied until it was replaced in the first week of June.

Although he briefly considered subletting, Polentz said he will most likely finish out his current lease with Brosima and eventually move into a modest one-bedroom with his girlfriend, where he hopes to "finally get some privacy."

When asked for comment on Polentz's allegations, Brosima expressed confusion.

"He's a complete mystery to me. That guy's, like, never here," Brosima said.


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