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New Roommate Always There

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

New Roommate Always There

COLUMBUS, OHOhio State University student and local tenant Adam Polentz, 22, is growing increasingly bewildered and annoyed by roommate Daniel Brosima's constant presence in their apartment, Polentz reported Tuesday.

Brosima eats breakfast in the kitchen almost every morning.

"It's like the guy never leaves," Polentz said.

Whether silently eating his cereal, looking out the window, or reading a book while standing up, Brosima's quiet and  unvaried living habits have managed to "unnerve" Polentz.

"The other night I was in the living room watching TV and he came out of nowhere and sat right next to me without saying a word," Polentz said, wondering what Brosima's deal was. "He just sat there for 45 minutes, watching what I was watching, until I finally got up and left."

The two have lived together since late April, when Brosima responded to Polentz's "Roommate Wanted" ad in the campus newspaper. Polentz said that he regretted not being more specific about the type of person he was looking for, having chosen instead to highlight the apartment's "awesome patio."

"Even when he came over to check the apartment out, he kind of puttered around, opening and closing the silverware drawer, and peeking in closets," Polentz said. "Looking back, all the signs were there."

Polentz said his past roommates had been conspicuously mobile, frequently leaving the house and returning with fresh groceries, obvious suntans, and recently met women. But Brosima has exhibited no discernible interest in the world beyond his living quarters, instead spending hours  in the apartment's common areas playing solitaire or humming to himself.

Polentz claimed that, on the rare occasion that his roommate retreats to his bedroom, Brosima leaves the door wide open, even while asleep.

"I can't get away from him," Polentz said.

Adding to Polentz's frustration, Brosima has paid rent and utility bills on time without fail.

"He's got an income coming from somewhere," said Polentz, who last week increased his hours at his work-study position at the campus library in order to avoid Brosima's evening routine of aimless pacing and off-key whistling. "But I don't know where it comes from—he never leaves to go to a job."

Polentz said the situation reached a "critical mass" when he returned from a weekend trip to find Brosima lying on the couch wearing the same clothes and still watching ESPN, just as he was when Polentz left Friday evening.

 "I felt like I'd stepped through a wormhole," Polentz said. "Everything was exactly the same. Except now it was ESPN2, I believe." 

Some clues seem to indicate Brosima engages in a relatively normal level of day-to-day activity, among them, changes in facial hair, the presence of several recently dated magazines, and a jar of peanut butter belonging to Brosima that slowly emptied until it was replaced in the first week of June.

Although he briefly considered subletting, Polentz said he will most likely finish out his current lease with Brosima and eventually move into a modest one-bedroom with his girlfriend, where he hopes to "finally get some privacy."

When asked for comment on Polentz's allegations, Brosima expressed confusion.

"He's a complete mystery to me. That guy's, like, never here," Brosima said.

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