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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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New Roommate Always There

COLUMBUS, OHOhio State University student and local tenant Adam Polentz, 22, is growing increasingly bewildered and annoyed by roommate Daniel Brosima's constant presence in their apartment, Polentz reported Tuesday.

Brosima eats breakfast in the kitchen almost every morning.

"It's like the guy never leaves," Polentz said.

Whether silently eating his cereal, looking out the window, or reading a book while standing up, Brosima's quiet and  unvaried living habits have managed to "unnerve" Polentz.

"The other night I was in the living room watching TV and he came out of nowhere and sat right next to me without saying a word," Polentz said, wondering what Brosima's deal was. "He just sat there for 45 minutes, watching what I was watching, until I finally got up and left."

The two have lived together since late April, when Brosima responded to Polentz's "Roommate Wanted" ad in the campus newspaper. Polentz said that he regretted not being more specific about the type of person he was looking for, having chosen instead to highlight the apartment's "awesome patio."

"Even when he came over to check the apartment out, he kind of puttered around, opening and closing the silverware drawer, and peeking in closets," Polentz said. "Looking back, all the signs were there."

Polentz said his past roommates had been conspicuously mobile, frequently leaving the house and returning with fresh groceries, obvious suntans, and recently met women. But Brosima has exhibited no discernible interest in the world beyond his living quarters, instead spending hours  in the apartment's common areas playing solitaire or humming to himself.

Polentz claimed that, on the rare occasion that his roommate retreats to his bedroom, Brosima leaves the door wide open, even while asleep.

"I can't get away from him," Polentz said.

Adding to Polentz's frustration, Brosima has paid rent and utility bills on time without fail.

"He's got an income coming from somewhere," said Polentz, who last week increased his hours at his work-study position at the campus library in order to avoid Brosima's evening routine of aimless pacing and off-key whistling. "But I don't know where it comes from—he never leaves to go to a job."

Polentz said the situation reached a "critical mass" when he returned from a weekend trip to find Brosima lying on the couch wearing the same clothes and still watching ESPN, just as he was when Polentz left Friday evening.

 "I felt like I'd stepped through a wormhole," Polentz said. "Everything was exactly the same. Except now it was ESPN2, I believe." 

Some clues seem to indicate Brosima engages in a relatively normal level of day-to-day activity, among them, changes in facial hair, the presence of several recently dated magazines, and a jar of peanut butter belonging to Brosima that slowly emptied until it was replaced in the first week of June.

Although he briefly considered subletting, Polentz said he will most likely finish out his current lease with Brosima and eventually move into a modest one-bedroom with his girlfriend, where he hopes to "finally get some privacy."

When asked for comment on Polentz's allegations, Brosima expressed confusion.

"He's a complete mystery to me. That guy's, like, never here," Brosima said.

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