Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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New Roommate Excited To Bring Robust Puttering Experience To Apartment

AUSTIN, TX—Saying he had spent several years at prior residences becoming proficient in doing nothing in particular, roommate Philip Page told reporters Tuesday that he was excited to bring his robust puttering experience to his new apartment. “Whether it’s wandering between my bedroom and the kitchen to get snacks, or pacing up and down the hallways while mindlessly scrolling through my phone, I’m looking forward to using the puttering techniques I’ve acquired from my last three living situations,” said Page, 26, adding that he would be ready from day one to just kind of hang out in the living room while waiting for a food delivery or watch half of a TV show episode before abandoning it completely to call his parents. “Maybe I’ll even poke my head into one of my new housemate’s rooms and ask them what’s up while I’m procrastinating going to the gym. I mean, I’ve spent entire days puttering, so I’m definitely ready to hit the ground running.” Page went on to say that he planned to continue building on his puttering skills and explore new types of aimlessly fiddling around, especially since he’ll now have a balcony and in-unit laundry area to work with.

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