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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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New Roommate Excited To Bring Robust Puttering Experience To Apartment

AUSTIN, TX—Saying he had spent several years at prior residences becoming proficient in doing nothing in particular, roommate Philip Page told reporters Tuesday that he was excited to bring his robust puttering experience to his new apartment. “Whether it’s wandering between my bedroom and the kitchen to get snacks, or pacing up and down the hallways while mindlessly scrolling through my phone, I’m looking forward to using the puttering techniques I’ve acquired from my last three living situations,” said Page, 26, adding that he would be ready from day one to just kind of hang out in the living room while waiting for a food delivery or watch half of a TV show episode before abandoning it completely to call his parents. “Maybe I’ll even poke my head into one of my new housemate’s rooms and ask them what’s up while I’m procrastinating going to the gym. I mean, I’ve spent entire days puttering, so I’m definitely ready to hit the ground running.” Page went on to say that he planned to continue building on his puttering skills and explore new types of aimlessly fiddling around, especially since he’ll now have a balcony and in-unit laundry area to work with.

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