adBlockCheck

Local

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Roommate Excited To Bring Robust Puttering Experience To Apartment

AUSTIN, TX—Saying he had spent several years at prior residences becoming proficient in doing nothing in particular, roommate Philip Page told reporters Tuesday that he was excited to bring his robust puttering experience to his new apartment. “Whether it’s wandering between my bedroom and the kitchen to get snacks, or pacing up and down the hallways while mindlessly scrolling through my phone, I’m looking forward to using the puttering techniques I’ve acquired from my last three living situations,” said Page, 26, adding that he would be ready from day one to just kind of hang out in the living room while waiting for a food delivery or watch half of a TV show episode before abandoning it completely to call his parents. “Maybe I’ll even poke my head into one of my new housemate’s rooms and ask them what’s up while I’m procrastinating going to the gym. I mean, I’ve spent entire days puttering, so I’m definitely ready to hit the ground running.” Page went on to say that he planned to continue building on his puttering skills and explore new types of aimlessly fiddling around, especially since he’ll now have a balcony and in-unit laundry area to work with.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close