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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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New Roommates Attempt To Find Manly Way Of Saying Good Night

MINNEAPOLIS—One month after moving into their shared apartment, roommates Nick Horowitz, 23, and Dan Crenshaw, 24, are still trying to find an appropriately masculine way to bid each other good night, Crenshaw told reporters Tuesday. "We started out by bumping fists and saying 'night bro,' and right now we're getting by with really sarcastically saying 'nighty-night, sweetie,'" said Crenshaw, who recounted several other short-lived nightly salutations, including a particularly ill-conceived attempt that ended in an awkward half hug. "I think I'm going to try out something tonight like 'good night, fuckface,' and we'll go from there." Crenshaw said that the good-morning greeting of grunting, scratching, and repeatedly calling each other "queer" seems to be fulfilling the pair's needs at present.

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