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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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New Roommates Attempt To Find Manly Way Of Saying Good Night

MINNEAPOLIS—One month after moving into their shared apartment, roommates Nick Horowitz, 23, and Dan Crenshaw, 24, are still trying to find an appropriately masculine way to bid each other good night, Crenshaw told reporters Tuesday. "We started out by bumping fists and saying 'night bro,' and right now we're getting by with really sarcastically saying 'nighty-night, sweetie,'" said Crenshaw, who recounted several other short-lived nightly salutations, including a particularly ill-conceived attempt that ended in an awkward half hug. "I think I'm going to try out something tonight like 'good night, fuckface,' and we'll go from there." Crenshaw said that the good-morning greeting of grunting, scratching, and repeatedly calling each other "queer" seems to be fulfilling the pair's needs at present.

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