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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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New Rumsfeld Scholarship Awarded To Student Who Demonstrates Potential To Ignore Geopolitical Consequences Of Armed Invasion

CHICAGO—West Roosevelt High School student Jeremy Holloran became the first recipient of the Donald Rumsfeld Scholarship for Limited Geopolitical Foresight on Wednesday, a recognition bestowed upon students who demonstrate impressive potential for disregarding the predictable fallout that accompanies the invasion and occupation of a sovereign nation. "Through his academic achievements, volunteer activities, and Chess Club successes, Jeremy has shown he has the same thirst for power and blind hubris that a Rumsfeld scholar must embody," said Patricia Keith, who presides over the board that selected Holloran. "We are excited to watch him flourish in college, where he will no doubt excel at arrogantly and wantonly ignoring the influence native tribes have in the region over which he intends to exert control." Although he has not yet picked a school, Holloran said he plans to take a year off before college to be appointed chairman of Gilead Sciences Inc. and serve in the Nixon administration.

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