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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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New Rumsfeld Scholarship Awarded To Student Who Demonstrates Potential To Ignore Geopolitical Consequences Of Armed Invasion

CHICAGO—West Roosevelt High School student Jeremy Holloran became the first recipient of the Donald Rumsfeld Scholarship for Limited Geopolitical Foresight on Wednesday, a recognition bestowed upon students who demonstrate impressive potential for disregarding the predictable fallout that accompanies the invasion and occupation of a sovereign nation. "Through his academic achievements, volunteer activities, and Chess Club successes, Jeremy has shown he has the same thirst for power and blind hubris that a Rumsfeld scholar must embody," said Patricia Keith, who presides over the board that selected Holloran. "We are excited to watch him flourish in college, where he will no doubt excel at arrogantly and wantonly ignoring the influence native tribes have in the region over which he intends to exert control." Although he has not yet picked a school, Holloran said he plans to take a year off before college to be appointed chairman of Gilead Sciences Inc. and serve in the Nixon administration.

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