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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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New SAT Section Tests Ability To Pay Tuition

PRINCETON, NJ—The Educational Testing Service, developer of the Scholastic Aptitude Test, is creating a new section on the standardized college-entry test that for the first time addresses a crucial facet of students' capabilities: their family's potential to make full tuition payments.

"We carefully screen responses to questions such as 'What is the number represented by x if x=price of your wristwatch subtracted from $10,000,'" test writer Anthony Clausewitz said. "And in our new, expanded essay section, we ask test-takers to solve disputes among servants, describe what it was like to attend their first polo match, and identify the important settlor and beneficiary characters in a fictional trust fund."

Beginning in 2008, valet parking attendants at all SAT-testing sites will offer automatic Ivy League admission to students who arrive in luxury automobiles.

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