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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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New SAT Section Tests Ability To Pay Tuition

PRINCETON, NJ—The Educational Testing Service, developer of the Scholastic Aptitude Test, is creating a new section on the standardized college-entry test that for the first time addresses a crucial facet of students' capabilities: their family's potential to make full tuition payments.

"We carefully screen responses to questions such as 'What is the number represented by x if x=price of your wristwatch subtracted from $10,000,'" test writer Anthony Clausewitz said. "And in our new, expanded essay section, we ask test-takers to solve disputes among servants, describe what it was like to attend their first polo match, and identify the important settlor and beneficiary characters in a fictional trust fund."

Beginning in 2008, valet parking attendants at all SAT-testing sites will offer automatic Ivy League admission to students who arrive in luxury automobiles.

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