New SAT Section Tests Ability To Pay Tuition

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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New SAT Section Tests Ability To Pay Tuition

PRINCETON, NJ—The Educational Testing Service, developer of the Scholastic Aptitude Test, is creating a new section on the standardized college-entry test that for the first time addresses a crucial facet of students' capabilities: their family's potential to make full tuition payments.

"We carefully screen responses to questions such as 'What is the number represented by x if x=price of your wristwatch subtracted from $10,000,'" test writer Anthony Clausewitz said. "And in our new, expanded essay section, we ask test-takers to solve disputes among servants, describe what it was like to attend their first polo match, and identify the important settlor and beneficiary characters in a fictional trust fund."

Beginning in 2008, valet parking attendants at all SAT-testing sites will offer automatic Ivy League admission to students who arrive in luxury automobiles.