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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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New Sealy Mattress Recreates Feeling Of Falling Asleep On Bus

TRINITY, NC—Sealy, the company known for providing innovative sleep technology with its Posturepedic, TrueForm, and SpringFree mattresses, on Monday unveiled the Destination, a mattress designed to simulate the sensation of drifting off to sleep on a moving bus.

"Whether you choose the window or the aisle model, you'll feel the difference after just one night, especially in your back," said Sealy spokeswoman Georgia Mitchell, who added that users' muscles are repeatedly stimulated throughout the night by the bed's patented "bounce and rattle" mechanism. "Most importantly, the hyper-constricted sleep space, coupled with the ergonomic, semi-upright design, cuts in half the tossing and turning one experiences on a regular mattress."

For an extra $150, consumers can purchase a specially designed crumpled-jacket pillow as an alternative to using their fists.

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