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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Sealy Mattress Recreates Feeling Of Falling Asleep On Bus

TRINITY, NC—Sealy, the company known for providing innovative sleep technology with its Posturepedic, TrueForm, and SpringFree mattresses, on Monday unveiled the Destination, a mattress designed to simulate the sensation of drifting off to sleep on a moving bus.

"Whether you choose the window or the aisle model, you'll feel the difference after just one night, especially in your back," said Sealy spokeswoman Georgia Mitchell, who added that users' muscles are repeatedly stimulated throughout the night by the bed's patented "bounce and rattle" mechanism. "Most importantly, the hyper-constricted sleep space, coupled with the ergonomic, semi-upright design, cuts in half the tossing and turning one experiences on a regular mattress."

For an extra $150, consumers can purchase a specially designed crumpled-jacket pillow as an alternative to using their fists.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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