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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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New Sealy Mattress Recreates Feeling Of Falling Asleep On Bus

TRINITY, NC—Sealy, the company known for providing innovative sleep technology with its Posturepedic, TrueForm, and SpringFree mattresses, on Monday unveiled the Destination, a mattress designed to simulate the sensation of drifting off to sleep on a moving bus.

"Whether you choose the window or the aisle model, you'll feel the difference after just one night, especially in your back," said Sealy spokeswoman Georgia Mitchell, who added that users' muscles are repeatedly stimulated throughout the night by the bed's patented "bounce and rattle" mechanism. "Most importantly, the hyper-constricted sleep space, coupled with the ergonomic, semi-upright design, cuts in half the tossing and turning one experiences on a regular mattress."

For an extra $150, consumers can purchase a specially designed crumpled-jacket pillow as an alternative to using their fists.

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