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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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New Secret Service Agent Disappointed There Are No Decoy Presidents

WASHINGTON, DC—Rookie Secret Service agent Daniel Ferris, 32, expressed disappointment Monday upon learning there is not a series of elaborate decoy presidents, either human and robotic, designed to throw off would-be assassins, terrorists, and evil madmen bent on world domination.

"When the president says he is going to Camp David, he doesn't send a look-alike so he can remain in Washington and conduct top-secret negotiations with Osama bin Laden in the White House's underground Oval Office," said Ferris, who called his normal responsibilities of guarding President Bush during foreign visits "lame." "Part of the reason I got into this was the excitement of having to act like I was guarding the real president."

Ferris has reportedly requested reassignment to one of the six Vice President Cheneys.

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