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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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New Secret Service Agent Disappointed There Are No Decoy Presidents

WASHINGTON, DC—Rookie Secret Service agent Daniel Ferris, 32, expressed disappointment Monday upon learning there is not a series of elaborate decoy presidents, either human and robotic, designed to throw off would-be assassins, terrorists, and evil madmen bent on world domination.

"When the president says he is going to Camp David, he doesn't send a look-alike so he can remain in Washington and conduct top-secret negotiations with Osama bin Laden in the White House's underground Oval Office," said Ferris, who called his normal responsibilities of guarding President Bush during foreign visits "lame." "Part of the reason I got into this was the excitement of having to act like I was guarding the real president."

Ferris has reportedly requested reassignment to one of the six Vice President Cheneys.

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