New Secret Service Agent Disappointed There Are No Decoy Presidents

In This Section

Vol 43 Issue 36

Number Of Blacks In Military Down

A Defense Department report states that the percentage of blacks among active-duty recruits fell from 20 percent to 13 percent since the Afghanistan...

Loser Friend Sort Of Doing Better

ANAHEIM, CA—Despite a long history of unstable living arrangements, failed relationships, and an overall inability to get his shit together,...

Great College Football Traditions

College football is as much about pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game. Onion Sports takes a look at some of college football's...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Eating

Originality

New Secret Service Agent Disappointed There Are No Decoy Presidents

WASHINGTON, DC—Rookie Secret Service agent Daniel Ferris, 32, expressed disappointment Monday upon learning there is not a series of elaborate decoy presidents, either human and robotic, designed to throw off would-be assassins, terrorists, and evil madmen bent on world domination.

"When the president says he is going to Camp David, he doesn't send a look-alike so he can remain in Washington and conduct top-secret negotiations with Osama bin Laden in the White House's underground Oval Office," said Ferris, who called his normal responsibilities of guarding President Bush during foreign visits "lame." "Part of the reason I got into this was the excitement of having to act like I was guarding the real president."

Ferris has reportedly requested reassignment to one of the six Vice President Cheneys.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More