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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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New Secret Service Agent Disappointed There Are No Decoy Presidents

WASHINGTON, DC—Rookie Secret Service agent Daniel Ferris, 32, expressed disappointment Monday upon learning there is not a series of elaborate decoy presidents, either human and robotic, designed to throw off would-be assassins, terrorists, and evil madmen bent on world domination.

"When the president says he is going to Camp David, he doesn't send a look-alike so he can remain in Washington and conduct top-secret negotiations with Osama bin Laden in the White House's underground Oval Office," said Ferris, who called his normal responsibilities of guarding President Bush during foreign visits "lame." "Part of the reason I got into this was the excitement of having to act like I was guarding the real president."

Ferris has reportedly requested reassignment to one of the six Vice President Cheneys.

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