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Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah

The first drop fills riders with exhilaration tinged with abject fear for what's to come.
The first drop fills riders with exhilaration tinged with abject fear for what's to come.

VALENCIA, CA—Promoting the coaster as "the most heartbreaking ride on earth," the Six Flags Magic Mountain theme park unveiled its newest attraction this week: a 395-foot-tall steel roller coaster designed to simulate a grueling three year relationship with Deborah.

Developed by world-renowned and recently single engineer Phillip Werner, the Life Force Crusher-X is said to feature six disorienting vertical loops, 150-feet of highly unstable barrel rolls, a portion in the middle where the ride just suddenly stops for no reason and refuses to start again until riders apologize, and an unexpected 310-foot drop at the very end.

"This heart-racing, gut-wrenching 90 mph free fall into unhealthy codependence and trust issues will have even the most extreme thrill-seekers begging for it to be over," reads a Six Flags press release announcing the new coaster, which promises to require more attention and patience than any one man should reasonably be expected to have. "Can you survive the Agonizing Vortex of Unflagging Acrimony?"

According to park officials, the coaster begins with an impulsive burst of acceleration that, when riders reflect upon the experience years later, will prove to be the only enjoyable portion of the ride. A series of unexpected and painful twists rapidly follow, leaving riders confused, strangely resentful, and wondering if they made a huge mistake getting on the ride in the first place. For the next 25 minutes, the coaster creeps endlessly forward at an agonizing pace, until it actually starts moving backward.

When the Life Force Crusher-X mercifully comes to an end, park visitors often find themselves speechless, emotionally exhausted, and completely broke.

"What the fuck just happened?" roller coaster enthusiast Derek Schumer said. "At first things were great, but next thing I knew, I was throwing my hands in the air and screaming, ''Why are we even doing this? I don't understand why we're doing this! It doesn't make either of us the least bit happy. Just end it, already, just end it!"

Added Schumer, "I think I'm going to be sick."

Despite only opening last week, Life Force Crusher-X is already one of Magic Mountain's main attractions. The park has even been forced to extend its hours to accommodate ticket holders who said they would never come back, only to find themselves pounding on the gates at 2 a.m., desperate for just one more go-round.

"I can't decide if I hate the ride or hate myself for going on it," read one comment on a website that reviews roller coasters. "At one point I glanced over at the people on other coasters, and they all looked so much happier."

"I don't know," the comment continued. "Maybe the Life Force Crusher-X is just the type of coaster I deserve."

Park-goer Andrew Murray had a similar experience on the Six Flags ride.

"Pretty early on, I realized that I just needed to get off," Murray said. "But by that point we had just passed through the Tunnel of Pregnancy Scares, and there was no way I could up and leave then. God, to think of all the other rides I could have tried if I weren't trapped on that suffocating machine."

Although some have expressed safety concerns with the coaster's structure—more than 7,000 feet of steel tubular track hastily built on a foundation of lust and shared contempt-—both Six Flags and the designer himself have assured riders that the Life Force Crusher-X is nowhere near as dangerous as actually dating Deborah.

"Every inch of my coaster has been biodynamically analyzed by computers to be 100 percent safe, which is far more protection than I ever got from that heart-swallowing banshee of a woman," designer Werner said at the unveiling of his semi-autobiographical ride. "In fact, I myself ride the Crusher every morning. Just to remember."

Six Flags officials said they've already begun construction on their next coaster, one they are calling "even more terrifying than being in a relationship with Deborah."

It's scheduled to open in 2012 and will be based on not being in a relationship with Deborah.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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