New Snack Chip Evades Digestive System, Burrows Straight Into Heart

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Vol 50 Issue 05

Fun Sticker Placed On Child's Ventilator

Fifty-seven women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh fashion week, a frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a Bo look-alike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child’s ventilator.

Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person

PORTLAND—Citing the fact that you just made eye contact with her and doing so again right away might come across as creepy, a new report released today has confirmed that it’s still too soon to glance back at the attractive person behind you.

International Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

New Snack Chip Evades Digestive System, Burrows Straight Into Heart

NEW YORK—At a high-profile media event Tuesday, Frito-Lay unveiled its new Diggz tortilla chip, touted as the first-ever snack that entirely bypasses the stomach and intestines by burrowing directly into the consumer’s heart. “Every one of our savory Diggz corn chips is slow-baked to the perfect golden crispiness so it can bore out of your esophageal passage, through the lungs, and directly into the aorta to deliver the flavor you crave right to the center of your circulatory system,” Frito-Lay spokesperson Vanessa Coviello told reporters, explaining how the chip’s corkscrew shape and serrated ridges allow it to cut through thick layers of muscle and sinew and lodge itself deep in one’s cardiac tissue. “And with mouthwatering varieties like Nacho Cheese, Ranch, Barbecue, Sriracha, and Sweet Mesquite, you won’t be able to stop snacking until every chip in the bag is tunneling through your thoracic cavity. So bring a little zest to your chest with new Frito-Lay Diggz.” Coviello added that certain select test markets would also be able to try the company’s new Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Blasters, a spicy puffed cornmeal snack that detonates with tremendous combustible force when placed in the consumer’s mouth.

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