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New Snack Chip Evades Digestive System, Burrows Straight Into Heart

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Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.
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New Snack Chip Evades Digestive System, Burrows Straight Into Heart

NEW YORK—At a high-profile media event Tuesday, Frito-Lay unveiled its new Diggz tortilla chip, touted as the first-ever snack that entirely bypasses the stomach and intestines by burrowing directly into the consumer’s heart. “Every one of our savory Diggz corn chips is slow-baked to the perfect golden crispiness so it can bore out of your esophageal passage, through the lungs, and directly into the aorta to deliver the flavor you crave right to the center of your circulatory system,” Frito-Lay spokesperson Vanessa Coviello told reporters, explaining how the chip’s corkscrew shape and serrated ridges allow it to cut through thick layers of muscle and sinew and lodge itself deep in one’s cardiac tissue. “And with mouthwatering varieties like Nacho Cheese, Ranch, Barbecue, Sriracha, and Sweet Mesquite, you won’t be able to stop snacking until every chip in the bag is tunneling through your thoracic cavity. So bring a little zest to your chest with new Frito-Lay Diggz.” Coviello added that certain select test markets would also be able to try the company’s new Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Blasters, a spicy puffed cornmeal snack that detonates with tremendous combustible force when placed in the consumer’s mouth.

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