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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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New Social Media Startup Launches, Shuts Down Within 45 Minutes

PALO ALTO, CA—FrendTrend, a new social media startup that branded itself as “a fun, intuitive way to connect and share with friends online,” celebrated its long-awaited launch at 9 a.m. this morning, shuttering its doors later this morning at 9:45 a.m.

As the brainchild of tech developer Greg Nesheim, 36, FrendTrend was designed to be a virtual community for friends and acquaintances to interact using live chat and photo-sharing features, a service the site provided for exactly 45 minutes before the company liquidated all of its assets.

“The site just didn’t catch on, what can I say?” Nesheim told reporters of the website that, less than an hour earlier, he launched excitedly with the tagline “Get ready for the next wave in social media.” “I posted some videos and messages on my little FrendTrend ‘pod,’ as we called them, but there were only like five or six other users and they all worked for the company, so it was like, ‘This sucks.’”

“It’s just too bad we have to pack up all this office furniture after unloading it only a couple of hours ago,” Nesheim continued.

During a candid postmortem 10 minutes after the site had been removed and an hour after it had launched, Nesheim cited myriad difficulties in the site’s first 15 or 20 minutes, including logistical hurdles, a stubborn market share, and administrative hassles.

“Within 52 seconds of the site’s launch, you could tell things weren’t looking good, and after 30 minutes I figured, ‘All right, let’s just give it 15 more minutes and if it hasn’t taken off by then, fuck it,’” said Nesheim, who frantically and unsuccessfully attempted to sell the company to an outside investor within minutes of FrendTrend going live. “It had so much promise when I walked into our office for the first time this morning. People just didn’t give it a chance.”

“Although I guess the writing had been on the wall for minutes and minutes,” Nesheim added.

Though disappointed by this latest setback, Nesheim told reporters he is excited to pitch investors on his next tech venture, a consumer-to-consumer online auction and shopping website called iBuy.

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