adBlockCheck

New Social Security Plan Allows Workers To Put Portion Of Earnings On Favorite Team

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New Social Security Plan Allows Workers To Put Portion Of Earnings On Favorite Team

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush signed an ambitious Social Security plan into law Monday that will allow citizens to bet a third of their payroll taxes on their favorite sports teams.

Three sports fans hope to win big benefits before their retirement next year.

"It's time we gave the American people the chance to make some real money for retirement," Bush said, speaking from the new Office of Social Security and Pari-mutuel Wagering Building. "Some naysayers think the average citizen doesn't know how to handle his own money. When spring training starts next year, it's up to you to prove them wrong."

"It's your money," Bush added. "You earned it. You should be able to bet it on whatever team you want."

Under the new plan, participating citizens will be asked to list their favorite teams on their W-2 forms. At the start of each major sports season, program participants will visit their local Social Security booking offices to review point spreads and sample playoff trees. Citizens' team selections will be subject to approval by their employers, who contribute a percentage of wages to the employee Social Security Earned Benefits Fund, or "pot," under the new system.

"For too long, Social Security has been managed by an elite group of government accountants and economists," said U.S. Sen. Paul Ryan (R-WI), a longtime advocate of Social Security reform and athletics-based gambling. "Why let your retirement money sit around in an account when you could double or triple it in a single year? Under the new plan, anyone with access to a sports page can control his financial destiny."

Added Ryan: "Assuming, of course, that Favre keeps a lid on those turnovers next season."

Many in Congress praised the bipartisan Social Security Athletic Wagering Commission for "developing a system with favorable odds" for America's taxpayers.

"The risk is greater, but so are the potential payouts," said commission member U.S. Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV), who has long argued that sporting organizations have higher standards of oversight, accountability, and strategic transparency than the federal government. "Why, a Boston-area resident who placed 2 percent of his lifetime earnings on the Patriots or the Red Sox this year would have tens of thousands of dollars in his retirement fund. That's a lot of squeeze, even after taxes."

A Lawrence, KS resident forms an investment strategy.

Reid refused to comment on the potential financial losses of a Brooklyn mother of three who bet the Mets, Knicks, Jets, or Giants during the past 10 years.

"Not everyone likes pouring money into a long-term account month after month, motivated only by the promise of a solid future," newly appointed Social Security and Pari-mutuel Wagering chief Demitri "The Greek" Kannapolis said. "Now, citizens will be able to see their Social Security system working every time they flip through the sports pages. It'll make the games more fun, too, because there'll be more riding on them."

Several members of Congress have criticized the plan.

"While we do need to restructure our Social Security system, this isn't the way to do it," U.S. Rep. Bob Matsui (D-CA) said. "Statistics show that certain groups of people—women below the poverty line, for example—don't care about sports. I support an addition to the plan that will allow citizens who don't follow professional athletics to put a portion of their SSI payout into lottery tickets."

"Everyone deserves a chance at realizing the American dream, whether they like to follow the Rams or the PowerBall picks," Matsui added.

U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) dismissed critics who contend that the plan will cause a $2 trillion shortfall in the current funds being paid out to seniors.

"People can nitpick all they want, but there's a lot of money to be made if you take the time to do a little research," Santorum said. "Just look at this football season. With the Steelers leading the AFC North and the Eagles leading the NFC East, people in my state might have benefited handsomely from an opportunity like this."

Added Santorum: "Sure, we're risking a couple trillion, but I got a feeling people are gonna double that money when baseball season comes around, no problem."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close