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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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New Species Of Van Gundy Sheds Light On Development Of Near-Human Ancestors

Archaeologists are studying the fossilized remains of a previously undiscovered species of Van Gundy found in Montana this week. Previously believed to be a subspecies of the Homo genus, scientists now believe Van Gundys are an altogether separate species, which has been living alongside humans and surviving off their refuse since the dawn of civilization.

The evolution of the Van Gundy species has been a slow, often awkward process, with their development lagging well behind humans.

Despite their large skulls, poor physicality and brooding nature, Van Gundy civilization also developed much slower than humans, owing to their susceptibility to mites and indifference towards hygiene. Known as "the cockroach of primates," Van Gundys primarily survived by living in shelters abandoned by early human tribes, eating their leftovers and motivating humans to hunt and forage for them with their barking yelps and their nervous, overstressed temperaments.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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