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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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New Species Of Van Gundy Sheds Light On Development Of Near-Human Ancestors

Archaeologists are studying the fossilized remains of a previously undiscovered species of Van Gundy found in Montana this week. Previously believed to be a subspecies of the Homo genus, scientists now believe Van Gundys are an altogether separate species, which has been living alongside humans and surviving off their refuse since the dawn of civilization.

The evolution of the Van Gundy species has been a slow, often awkward process, with their development lagging well behind humans.

Despite their large skulls, poor physicality and brooding nature, Van Gundy civilization also developed much slower than humans, owing to their susceptibility to mites and indifference towards hygiene. Known as "the cockroach of primates," Van Gundys primarily survived by living in shelters abandoned by early human tribes, eating their leftovers and motivating humans to hunt and forage for them with their barking yelps and their nervous, overstressed temperaments.

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