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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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New Species Of Van Gundy Sheds Light On Development Of Near-Human Ancestors

Archaeologists are studying the fossilized remains of a previously undiscovered species of Van Gundy found in Montana this week. Previously believed to be a subspecies of the Homo genus, scientists now believe Van Gundys are an altogether separate species, which has been living alongside humans and surviving off their refuse since the dawn of civilization.

The evolution of the Van Gundy species has been a slow, often awkward process, with their development lagging well behind humans.

Despite their large skulls, poor physicality and brooding nature, Van Gundy civilization also developed much slower than humans, owing to their susceptibility to mites and indifference towards hygiene. Known as "the cockroach of primates," Van Gundys primarily survived by living in shelters abandoned by early human tribes, eating their leftovers and motivating humans to hunt and forage for them with their barking yelps and their nervous, overstressed temperaments.

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