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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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New Speech Recognition Software Factors In User’s Mouth Always Being Full

SUNNYVALE, CA—Calling it a major breakthrough in interpreting natural linguistic patterns, technology company Voxil announced the release Thursday of a sophisticated new speech recognition program that factors in users’ mouths always being full. “Our latest voice recognition software gives any device the ability to accurately understand and respond to how the average user actually speaks: through large mouthfuls of half-chewed food,” said Voxil CEO Caleb Roush, adding that the technology’s complex algorithms achieve a greater than 99 percent accuracy rate by filtering out a range of extraneous noises, such as loud mastication, the crunching of snacks between teeth, the wet smacking of lips, and the myriad gulping sounds that typically accompany spoken language. “Plus, our program’s built-in GPS capabilities aid speech identification by automatically determining if the user is at, say, a Quiznos and speaking through a giant mouthful of meatball sub, or whether they’ve just returned to their office desk from a pizza shop and are breathily talking with their mouth wide open because the bite they took is still too hot to chew. And while we still have a few minor issues to iron out when people eat peanut butter, this is nevertheless a major step forward.” Roush added that the company is already at work on an updated version that will be capable of interpreting the inarticulate moans and grunts made by users after they have eaten too much.

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