adBlockCheck

Recent News

Report: You Have Won!

Head To TheOnion.com To Redeem Your Winnings

WINNER’S CIRCLE—Sources are reporting that you, valued Onion reader, have won!

A Timeline Of Construction On The White House

George Washington laid the cornerstone of the White House 225 years ago this week, and the building has undergone almost constant change and renovation since then. Here’s a timeline showing how the White House was built.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Statewide Education Standards Require Teachers To Forever Change Lives Of 30% Of Students

SPRINGFIELD, IL—In an effort to hold classroom instructors more accountable, the Illinois State Board of Education unveiled new statewide education standards Friday that require public school teachers to forever change the lives of at least 30 percent of their students. “Under our updated educator evaluation policy, teachers must make an unforgettable, lifelong impact on at least three of every 10 students and instill a love of learning in them that lasts the rest of their lives,” said chairman James Meeks, adding that based on the annual assessments, if 30 percent of students don’t recall a particular teacher’s name when asked to identify the most influential and inspiring person in their lives, that instructor would be promptly dismissed. “We are imposing these standards to make certain that a significant proportion of students in any given classroom can someday look back and say, ‘That teacher changed the course of my life, making me who I am today, and there’s no way I could ever repay them.’ Anything less is failure.” Meeks also confirmed the implementation of another rule aimed at ensuring that no more than 40 percent of a teacher’s students end up in prison.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close