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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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New Study: Books Don't Take You Anywhere

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Despite the insistence of librarians and elementary school teachers that books give readers a chance to “travel to exciting new places” and “journey to distant exotic lands,” a study re-leased by the Department of Education yesterday revealed that books do not take you anywhere.

Jennifer Leason, 11, is reading a book about a magical land called Oz. She has not moved in over three hours.

In its lengthy study, the Department made it clear that reading has never been known to transport readers to any place other than the general area in which the reading is actually taking place. It was also disclosed that even these local movements are, in almost every case, voluntary decisions made by the reader and not in any way attached to the reading process.

“People involved in reading often sit quite still trying not to move,” Department of Education researcher Hannah Morton said. “In fact, we’ve found that it actually assists readers in processing a text if they are stationary or fixed in one area.”

The study found grade school and junior-high readers particularly susceptible to the travel myths. In one case study, 9-year-old Justin Fisher began reading a fantasy novel by C.S. Lewis under close observation. After 60 minutes, the only travel to occur was a voluntary visit to the kitchen for a snack and two trips to the bathroom, both made because Fisher “had to go.” In no way, say researchers, did any of the travel involve evil witches, messianic lions or closet portals to other universes.

“I just stayed in my room without moving that much,” Fisher said.

Another case documented 13-year-old Elizabeth Wer-ner, reading the novel Lord Jim by Joseph Conrad. Fatigued after more than three hours of reading, the disappointed seventh-grader set the book down near her chair, having remained stationary the entire time.

Morton, who has read over 15 novels herself, related personal experience to the study’s findings. “I have a sturdy leather chair that I sit in when I read, and I have always remained in place while engaged in a novel,” she said.

The study noted exceptions to its findings, citing situations in which people read in buses, trains and planes.

“For some, reading can be especially enjoyable on, say, a commercial aircraft,” Colin Hail of Doubleday Publishing said. “But even if the reader is in motion while reading, it is clearly not a result of the reading itself, but rather of the moving vehicle.”

Inspired by the study’s findings, many youths are now calling into question the empty promises of library posters and classroom slogans.

“I hate it when you get excited about a distant land and then you don’t go there,” Fisher said. “Reading sucks.”

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