adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
End Of Section
  • More News

New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia

BOSTON—A surprising new study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine this week has revealed that human beings only use 10 percent of their genitalia at any given time. "To think of all that we could accomplish if we just unlocked the remaining 90 percent," said Dr. Howard Schwartz, who contributed to the sex-organ capacity study. "Why, the back shaft alone could represent a vast reservoir of untapped potential. It's frightening, but we, as a species, have barely scratched the surface of our genitals." Schwartz maintained, however, that with enough time and late-night exploration, human beings could someday live up to "the promise of their junk."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close