adBlockCheck

New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia

Top Headlines

Recent News

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia

BOSTON—A surprising new study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine this week has revealed that human beings only use 10 percent of their genitalia at any given time. "To think of all that we could accomplish if we just unlocked the remaining 90 percent," said Dr. Howard Schwartz, who contributed to the sex-organ capacity study. "Why, the back shaft alone could represent a vast reservoir of untapped potential. It's frightening, but we, as a species, have barely scratched the surface of our genitals." Schwartz maintained, however, that with enough time and late-night exploration, human beings could someday live up to "the promise of their junk."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close