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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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New Study Finds Americans Are Living Too Long

WASHINGTON—According to findings released Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, 21st-century Americans are living far too long. “Due to advances in modern medicine, better dietary habits, and a greater overall quality of life, the current life expectancy for someone living in the United States is unfortunately 78; it should be 58, tops,” Dr. Francis Zhu told reporters. “Science is allowing U.S. citizens to live well beyond the point at which anyone could explain why they’re still alive. By the time they reach 60, Americans really have nothing more to offer.” Zhu added that childhood obesity, diabetes, and violent crime were thankfully helping to bring the life expectancy averages down to a much more sensible level.

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