adBlockCheck

New Study Finds Americans Are Living Too Long

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New Study Finds Americans Are Living Too Long

WASHINGTON—According to findings released Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, 21st-century Americans are living far too long. “Due to advances in modern medicine, better dietary habits, and a greater overall quality of life, the current life expectancy for someone living in the United States is unfortunately 78; it should be 58, tops,” Dr. Francis Zhu told reporters. “Science is allowing U.S. citizens to live well beyond the point at which anyone could explain why they’re still alive. By the time they reach 60, Americans really have nothing more to offer.” Zhu added that childhood obesity, diabetes, and violent crime were thankfully helping to bring the life expectancy averages down to a much more sensible level.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close