New Study Finds Americans Need 6 Hours Of Sleep At Work

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Beautyrest

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Man Honestly Thinks He’s Going To Get To Bed Early

DANBURY, CT—Entertaining outlandish delusions of actually getting in a solid eight hours of sleep, 29-year-old Josh Briner is honestly under the impression that he will be going to bed early, sources confirmed Thursday.

Man Unfortunately Sleeps Like Baby

YAKIMA, WA—According to frustrated family sources, 49-year-old Gene Dawson sleeps like a baby, waking up every few hours and needing to be held and soothed before he can fall back asleep.

Husband Apologizing In Sleep

OGDEN, UT—For the third time in as many nights, Chuck Grimstead apologized to wife Olivia in his sleep Monday. "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean—hzzzzuwuh," the 43-year-old dentist muttered into his pillow at 4 a.m. "Urmmm... never do it again." Grimstead also promised to be more considerate of his wife's feelings the next time he decided to hnnrghhhh with his poker buddies.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Sleep

Beautyrest

New Study Finds Americans Need 6 Hours Of Sleep At Work

PHILADELPHIA—A study published Monday in the Annals Of Internal Medicine concludes that the average American needs at least six full hours of uninterrupted sleep at work in order to leave the office feeling refreshed and alert. "Millions of people are staying up way too late at work," said endocrinologist Hannah Presnall, adding that in order for the body to function properly, workers should arrive at their job, check and send e-mails for two to three hours, and be asleep by 11:30 a.m. at the latest. "More and more people are pulling all-dayers and drinking coffee just to keep themselves awake for meetings and conference calls. But when compared with their better-rested coworkers, these individuals are far more likely to suffer from fatigue and decreased cognitive performance at home." The study recommends that adults who continually find themselves awake at work take Ambien first thing in the morning so they can fall asleep as soon as they arrive at the office.

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