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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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New Study Finds Americans Need 6 Hours Of Sleep At Work

PHILADELPHIA—A study published Monday in the Annals Of Internal Medicine concludes that the average American needs at least six full hours of uninterrupted sleep at work in order to leave the office feeling refreshed and alert. "Millions of people are staying up way too late at work," said endocrinologist Hannah Presnall, adding that in order for the body to function properly, workers should arrive at their job, check and send e-mails for two to three hours, and be asleep by 11:30 a.m. at the latest. "More and more people are pulling all-dayers and drinking coffee just to keep themselves awake for meetings and conference calls. But when compared with their better-rested coworkers, these individuals are far more likely to suffer from fatigue and decreased cognitive performance at home." The study recommends that adults who continually find themselves awake at work take Ambien first thing in the morning so they can fall asleep as soon as they arrive at the office.

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