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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Study Finds Americans Scoot Over At Least 10 Miles Per Year

WASHINGTON—A new study published Wednesday by the Department of Transportation reveals that the average U.S. resident travels some 10 miles annually solely through the act of scooting over to make room for another person. “Between park benches, bleachers, backseats, and various other types of shared, communal seating, the typical American scoots nearly a mile a month,” said Department Secretary Anthony Foxx, who added that, taken all together, a lifetime’s worth of scooting over, sliding over, scooching, and “making a bit more room” would equal the distance from the nation’s capital to Orlando, FL. “The statistics are even higher in the South, where picnic season is longer. And if you count instances of scooting over, seeing the other person has already found a place, and then scooting back, many Americans travel farther by scooting than they do by motor vehicle.” The study’s methodology has come under fire from critics who argue it should have also counted situations in which sitters must move their chair over to make room for someone who already has their own chair.

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