adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Study Finds Americans Scoot Over At Least 10 Miles Per Year

WASHINGTON—A new study published Wednesday by the Department of Transportation reveals that the average U.S. resident travels some 10 miles annually solely through the act of scooting over to make room for another person. “Between park benches, bleachers, backseats, and various other types of shared, communal seating, the typical American scoots nearly a mile a month,” said Department Secretary Anthony Foxx, who added that, taken all together, a lifetime’s worth of scooting over, sliding over, scooching, and “making a bit more room” would equal the distance from the nation’s capital to Orlando, FL. “The statistics are even higher in the South, where picnic season is longer. And if you count instances of scooting over, seeing the other person has already found a place, and then scooting back, many Americans travel farther by scooting than they do by motor vehicle.” The study’s methodology has come under fire from critics who argue it should have also counted situations in which sitters must move their chair over to make room for someone who already has their own chair.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close