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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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New Study Finds Being On Cover Of ‘People’ Magazine Best Predictor Of Revealing All

LOS ANGELES—Saying there was a near perfect correlation between the two phenomena, a new study released Monday by the University of Southern California Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism found that being on the cover of People magazine is the best predictor of revealing all. “Our evidence overwhelmingly suggests that appearing on a People cover is by far the most reliable indicator of finally opening up about love, life, and everything in between,” said head researcher Karina Mandor, adding that the vast majority of subjects who posed for the glossy’s photo portrait went on to discuss how they finally found happiness in their own skin. “We determined that in almost every case, individuals who did a cover shoot for the magazine spoke out about life after loss and dished about all the behind-the-scenes drama for the very first time. And there might, in fact, be no population more predisposed to sharing their story of picking up the pieces after their fairy-tale marriage suddenly fell apart.” The study went on to say, however, that being on the cover of People was an accurate predictor of being Sexiest Man Alive only about 2 percent of the time.

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