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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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New Study Finds Best Sunscreen Is Layer Of Human Blood

WASHINGTON—According to a study released Monday by the Environmental Working Group, the best defense against the harmful effects of the sun's rays is a thick coating of human blood. "We found that a generous application of human blood blocks 98 percent more UVA and UVB rays than standard SPF 30 sunscreen lotions," said researcher Dr. Carl Lapkins, adding that while pig and chicken blood can mildly decrease the risk of skin cancer, human blood ultimately offers the most effective form of protection. "An additional layer of fresh blood should be applied for each hour spent outdoors, especially if you're swimming. Infants, who are more vulnerable to sun exposure, should be completely submerged in a bucket of blood before going outside, and re-dunked frequently." Lapkins added that to avoid missing a spot, one should ask for a friend's help when spreading blood on hard-to-reach areas.

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