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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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New Study Finds Best Way To Determine If You Are Android Still Cutting Open Forearm To Reveal Circuitry Within

PASADENA, CA—Concluding that it’s the most effective way of confirming your terrifying suspicions once and for all, a new study published Thursday in The International Journal Of Robotics Research has found that the surest method of ascertaining whether you are in fact an android is slitting open your arm to expose the circuitry within. “Should you reach a point at which you begin to question your own humanity, the best technique for determining if you are man or machine is to take a sharp knife and, beginning at the wrist, make a lengthwise incision on your inside forearm,” said California Institute of Technology professor and study co-author Tabitha Merrill-Hodges, adding that for the most reliable results, you should first check to see if you are being watched and then duck into a secluded location such as a dark alley or bathroom stall. “We found the optimal strategy is to look on in wonder and utter disbelief as you peel the skin back to find mechanical pistons opening and closing as you move your fingers. Ideally, there will also be a mirror nearby that you can use to ponder your own astonished reflection as it dawns on you that your most fundamental truth, your own humanity, was all an illusion.” The study noted that the arm-cutting procedure remains far more efficient than alternative methods such as waiting to see if your body sparks when you’re hit by gunfire or if wires spill out of the stump when an explosion blows off your leg.

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