New Study Finds College Binge Drinking To Be A Blast

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Vol 35 Issue 11

Miracle Overpass Issues Mysterious Stream Of Urine

ABILENE, TX—Throngs of religious faithful from across the U.S. are making pilgrimages to Abilene following Monday's discovery of a miracle highway overpass that periodically emits a stream of urine. "I was just driving under the overpass, when, all of a sudden, a golden stream of liquid fell upon my windshield from above," said motorist Gail Silva. "I knew then and there that my life had deeper meaning." The stretch of highway has since been closed for several miles in both directions to accommodate the thousands of spiritual seekers who have journeyed to the overpass in hopes of being anointed with what many believe to be the micturition of Christ.

National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency

DES MOINES, IA—An alarming study released Tuesday by the National Pork Producers Council reports that fewer than 5 percent of Americans get the NPPC recommended daily allowance of pork. "An overwhelming majority of Americans aren't getting the dietary pork they need for healthy muscles and proper digestion," read the NPPC study. "What's worse, many growing children who could be helped by as little as two strips of bacon a day are getting no pork at all." The NPPC recommends that adults eat at least nine servings of pork per day from the bacon, ham, chop and rind groups.

The Burger-King Grants Asylum

Last week, lost and hungry in the desolate bad-lands of our Republic, Standish and I chanced upon the embassy of the esteemed and powerful Burger-King. Once in-side, I prostrated myself before one of the senior diplomats, who donned a badge etched with the words "Dale—Crew Manager."

A Nation Of Prisoners

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?

I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

Here's a riddle for you: What has more stars than the sky itself? The Oscars, and I for one was positively blinded by what I saw on Sunday! The lights! The glamour! The dresses! Oh, it was a night to remember! Everyone was dressed to the nines. Even Hollywood's most notorious tough guy, Jack Nicholson, looked positively dapper in his tuxedo. (And I bet it wasn't a rental!) Someday, I hope to be there in person so I can take in all the glory first-hand. But in the meantime, I'm happy to sit at home with a bowl of Jolly Time buttered popcorn and watch the proceeds unfold... live!
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Race Relations

New Study Finds College Binge Drinking To Be A Blast

AMHERST, MA—Researchers at the University of Massachusetts released a surprising new study Monday indicating that, contrary to long-held beliefs about its destructive effects, collegiate binge drinking is a fucking blast.

Campus Watch

"Data collected at bars and fraternity parties on the UMass campus has yielded unexpected conclusions with regard to the practice of binge drinking," study head Dr. Albert Greaves said. "Over the course of our research, a consistent pattern emerged demonstrating that binge drinking seriously kicks ass."

"There was this one bar called The Depot, where they serve beer in these humongous three-foot glasses that are like giant boots," Greaves continued. "You have to stand back and tilt the thing to drink it all. Our team conducted an experiment to see who could finish one off the fastest. Myself, Dr. Milton Laurian and these eight 20-year-old test subjects lined up against a wall and started chugging away. After completing the test and subsequently throwing up all over the place, I could only conclude that downing huge-ass boot beers is really awesome."

Added Greaves: "That was the best fucking study."

The 250-page report comes as a surprise to the many medical researchers who had previously found binge drinking to have a host of negative effects. A 1996 Johns Hopkins University study concluded that binge drinking is a destructive scourge on college campuses that can lead to alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual assault and alcohol poisoning. But in the wake of the UMass study, the Johns Hopkins researchers and others have been forced to revise their conclusions.

"It appears that our study would have benefited greatly from first-hand observation of the binge-drinking phenomenon," said Dr. Caroline Worsted of Johns Hopkins. "Our failure to go out and collect primary data at bars and off-campus house parties until all hours of the night skewed our findings, preventing us from accurately measuring just how much fun it is to get ripped."

University of Massachusetts researchers Dr. Albert Greaves (fourth from left) and Dr. James Podriewski (second from right) gather data on binge drinking.

According to Greaves, much of the UMass team's research was conducted at a party at this one guy Matt's place. "My colleagues and I were doing beer bongs, keg-stands, Jell-O shots, Jager shots—you name it," Greaves said. "We were totally binge drinking and just having a great fucking time. The best part was the crowd—the study was packed, and there was this amazing random sampling of hot chicks. I was so drunk, I couldn't figure out what the source of the unusually large hot-chick sample was, but by that point, I really didn't care."

When the keg was tapped, Greaves and his team went looking for a place to gather more data. "We heard there was this awesome study on Church Street, but we didn't have the address, so we just went wandering around," Greaves said. "We eventually wound up walking into this complete other study where we didn't know anyone. Unfortunately, it turned out to be totally lame—most of the people there were in the non-drinking control group. We had fun for a little while busting on them, but pretty soon we split."

Among the UMass team's findings: A 10-ounce serving of Jack Daniels can be consumed 30 percent faster when accompanied by shouts of "Go! Go! Go! Go!"; the bathroom at The Lightning Lounge is a popular place to throw up; and when Dr. Andrew Schmid drinks five Long Island iced teas, he lies down in the street and starts singing the chorus to The Dream Academy's "Life In A Northern Town" at the top of his lungs.

"Dr. Schmid is what we scientists term a fucking booze monster," team member Dr. James Podriewski said. "This one time, we needed a whole bunch of Wild Turkey and tonic water for a study that was just getting going at midnight, so we sent him out to this store that's open until 2 a.m., and we're waiting for, like, hours until he finally comes back, and he doesn't have any of the stuff, but he's carrying this big fucking railroad-crossing sign, and he's all like, 'Guys, check out the sign I found.' It was funny as shit. I swear, I was laughing so hard, I almost left a urine sample all over my pants."

Podriewski, addressing reporters in front of a massive pyramid of empty laboratory beakers, called the study "a major success."

"That was seriously the best study I've ever done," Podriewski said. "I don't know what those New England Journal Of Medicine people were talking about when they did that 1996 study in conjunction with the Department of Education that found binge drinking to be even more dangerous and destructive than previously believed. As far as I could tell, binge drinking rules."

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