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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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New Study Finds Employee Morale Drastically Improves After Watching Coworker Throw Fit

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—According to a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Management, the morale of an entire workplace typically improves dramatically following any instance in which employees witness one of their coworkers absolutely losing it and throwing a fit right there in the office. “It turns out that whenever someone at a place of business gets fed up to the point of raising their voice or begins vigorously and loudly typing on their keyboard as they have a tantrum at their desk, everyone else who works there starts to feel a little bit better,” said industrial psychologist Glenn Hardt, explaining that the study measured self-reported levels of happiness among employees immediately before and after a coworker sighed heavily, slammed his or her laptop closed, and stormed out of a meeting. “There may be a few stunned looks at first, but this behavior is soon followed by a flurry of eye contact, half-suppressed smiles, and then sustained, measurable improvements in mood among those still present.” The study went on to state that workplace morale plummets to its lowest point when a fellow employee is promoted.

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