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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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New Study Finds Employee Morale Drastically Improves After Watching Coworker Throw Fit

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—According to a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Management, the morale of an entire workplace typically improves dramatically following any instance in which employees witness one of their coworkers absolutely losing it and throwing a fit right there in the office. “It turns out that whenever someone at a place of business gets fed up to the point of raising their voice or begins vigorously and loudly typing on their keyboard as they have a tantrum at their desk, everyone else who works there starts to feel a little bit better,” said industrial psychologist Glenn Hardt, explaining that the study measured self-reported levels of happiness among employees immediately before and after a coworker sighed heavily, slammed his or her laptop closed, and stormed out of a meeting. “There may be a few stunned looks at first, but this behavior is soon followed by a flurry of eye contact, half-suppressed smiles, and then sustained, measurable improvements in mood among those still present.” The study went on to state that workplace morale plummets to its lowest point when a fellow employee is promoted.

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