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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together

ALEXANDRIA, VA—A study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Medicine determined that it is highly detrimental to the physical and mental health of human beings for them to spend any more than five consecutive hours in each other’s company. “Our research shows that humans are not evolutionarily equipped to handle being together for extended periods of time, under any circumstances,” said the study’s lead author, Mark Hughson, adding that the findings applied equally to both casual acquaintances and immediate family members, including mothers and their newborn children. “We found that, optimally, people should limit themselves to between two and 20 minutes in another person’s company, with five hours representing the absolute maximum amount of time that anyone should allow themselves to be in the presence of others. In addition, they should permit at least three days to elapse in between human interactions, preferably a week. We simply weren’t constructed to put up with more than that.” Hughson went on to say that while humans had the capacity to withstand each other’s company in five-hour increments, it was ideal for them to isolate themselves permanently as early in life as possible.

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