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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together

ALEXANDRIA, VA—A study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Medicine determined that it is highly detrimental to the physical and mental health of human beings for them to spend any more than five consecutive hours in each other’s company. “Our research shows that humans are not evolutionarily equipped to handle being together for extended periods of time, under any circumstances,” said the study’s lead author, Mark Hughson, adding that the findings applied equally to both casual acquaintances and immediate family members, including mothers and their newborn children. “We found that, optimally, people should limit themselves to between two and 20 minutes in another person’s company, with five hours representing the absolute maximum amount of time that anyone should allow themselves to be in the presence of others. In addition, they should permit at least three days to elapse in between human interactions, preferably a week. We simply weren’t constructed to put up with more than that.” Hughson went on to say that while humans had the capacity to withstand each other’s company in five-hour increments, it was ideal for them to isolate themselves permanently as early in life as possible.

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