New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together

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Vol 50 Issue 32

Wrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal Troughs

CHICAGO—In a move that has outraged many fans who consider the vines a treasured part of Wrigley Field’s charm and unique character, the Chicago Cubs announced Friday that they would be removing the stadium’s iconic ivy from its urinal t...

Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting

A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together

ALEXANDRIA, VA—A study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Medicine determined that it is highly detrimental to the physical and mental health of human beings for them to spend any more than five consecutive hours in each other’s company. “Our research shows that humans are not evolutionarily equipped to handle being together for extended periods of time, under any circumstances,” said the study’s lead author, Mark Hughson, adding that the findings applied equally to both casual acquaintances and immediate family members, including mothers and their newborn children. “We found that, optimally, people should limit themselves to between two and 20 minutes in another person’s company, with five hours representing the absolute maximum amount of time that anyone should allow themselves to be in the presence of others. In addition, they should permit at least three days to elapse in between human interactions, preferably a week. We simply weren’t constructed to put up with more than that.” Hughson went on to say that while humans had the capacity to withstand each other’s company in five-hour increments, it was ideal for them to isolate themselves permanently as early in life as possible.

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