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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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New Study Finds Humans Shouldn’t Spend More Than 5 Consecutive Hours Together

ALEXANDRIA, VA—A study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Medicine determined that it is highly detrimental to the physical and mental health of human beings for them to spend any more than five consecutive hours in each other’s company. “Our research shows that humans are not evolutionarily equipped to handle being together for extended periods of time, under any circumstances,” said the study’s lead author, Mark Hughson, adding that the findings applied equally to both casual acquaintances and immediate family members, including mothers and their newborn children. “We found that, optimally, people should limit themselves to between two and 20 minutes in another person’s company, with five hours representing the absolute maximum amount of time that anyone should allow themselves to be in the presence of others. In addition, they should permit at least three days to elapse in between human interactions, preferably a week. We simply weren’t constructed to put up with more than that.” Hughson went on to say that while humans had the capacity to withstand each other’s company in five-hour increments, it was ideal for them to isolate themselves permanently as early in life as possible.

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