After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News

New Study Finds Link Between Breastfeeding, Always Knowing What’s Right For Everyone

BALTIMORE—A study published Tuesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University has discovered a correlation between breastfeeding and unequivocally knowing what’s best for other people at all times. “The data suggests that the simple behavior of breastfeeding one’s infant dramatically improves a woman’s ability to identify with perfect precision what’s wrong with everyone else in every situation,” reads the study, which observed thousands of nursing mothers nationwide and documented their heightened wisdom of postnatal care, publicly acceptable behavior, proper food choices, pediatric development, and countless other issues. “We found that these new mothers not only developed but loudly vocalized a greatly expanded comprehension of right from wrong, appropriate from inappropriate, and healthy from severely detrimental. And the effects were immediate, with women gaining this remarkable knowledge at the very moment they began breastfeeding.” The study also indicated that nursing greatly boosts a mother’s immunity to others’ viewpoints.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.