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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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New Study Finds Link Between Cancer, Reading Text On Computer Screen

ATLANTA—A new study released Monday by the Centers for Disease Control has found a direct link between a particularly aggressive strain of ocular cancer and reading text on a computer screen. “We’ve found that reading a headline followed by three or four sentences on a computer screen will result in a malignant brain tumor 97 percent of the time,” said researcher Jason Lofton, adding that even scanning a phrase modifying the name of a source can rapidly accelerate the cancer’s metastasis. “We’ve discovered that news stories with more than three commas are particularly bad, and readers should avoid compound sentences at all costs.” The study also concluded that the disease is treatable if caught early, unless one encounters the sort of icon that indicates the end of a news article, in which case there is no cure.

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