adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Study Finds Majority Of Bullshit Calls Go To Other Team

PITTSBURGH—According to a study published Friday in the Journal Of Quantitative Analysis In Sports, an overwhelming majority of bullshit rulings made by NFL officials go in favor of the opposing team. “The data in our findings conclusively proved that most horseshit calls not only go to the other team, but also occur very late in games,” said lead researcher Dr. Alexander Ferguson, a statistical analyst at Carnegie Mellon University. “In addition, we found that of the officials who make dumbass calls, 58 percent don’t know what the hell they’re doing out there, 23 percent must be watching a completely different goddamn game, and a further 19 percent are just totally fucking blind.” The study, which confirmed that the majority of bullshit calls are game-changing decisions, also found that rulings that help your team are simply lucky breaks that would not have affected the ultimate outcome of the game anyway.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close