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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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New Study Finds Majority Of Bullshit Calls Go To Other Team

PITTSBURGH—According to a study published Friday in the Journal Of Quantitative Analysis In Sports, an overwhelming majority of bullshit rulings made by NFL officials go in favor of the opposing team. “The data in our findings conclusively proved that most horseshit calls not only go to the other team, but also occur very late in games,” said lead researcher Dr. Alexander Ferguson, a statistical analyst at Carnegie Mellon University. “In addition, we found that of the officials who make dumbass calls, 58 percent don’t know what the hell they’re doing out there, 23 percent must be watching a completely different goddamn game, and a further 19 percent are just totally fucking blind.” The study, which confirmed that the majority of bullshit calls are game-changing decisions, also found that rulings that help your team are simply lucky breaks that would not have affected the ultimate outcome of the game anyway.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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