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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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New Study Finds Majority Of God’s Blessings Burn Up On Entry Into Atmosphere

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that the chances of one reaching the planet’s surface are largely dependent on speed and angle of entry, a study released Thursday by the University of Texas Department of Astronomy found that the majority of blessings from God burn up while passing through Earth’s atmosphere. “We discovered that due to the thickness and density of the gases surrounding our planet, 80 percent of God’s graces will completely disintegrate by the time they are about 75 to 100 kilometers away from the surface,” said professor Donald Northcote, adding that his team’s observations suggest that roughly 19 million of the Lord’s blessings vaporize in the mesosphere on any given day. “Even the largest and most generous of God’s gifts will be reduced to many minute fragments of His original intention during the journey, and the rare blessing that reaches the ground will be much smaller than it was in Heaven. Moreover, those divine blessings that manage to make it through the atmosphere typically fall harmlessly into the ocean without humans even realizing it.” Northcote told reporters that a particularly powerful blessing from God that struck Earth during the Cretaceous period is believed to have wiped out 75 percent of the world’s species.

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