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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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New Study Finds People Who Sit For At Least 5 Hours Each Day Are Comfier

BATON ROUGE, LA—A study released Monday by physicians at the Pennington Biomedical Research Center has concluded that people who spend five or more hours per day sitting are significantly more likely to be comfy than those who do not. “Our clinical trials indicate that individuals whose lifestyles involve sitting for less than two hours a day experience far less comfiness than those who sit for longer periods,” said the study’s head researcher Dr. Stan McGuinness, adding that seated individuals are up to 20 times as likely to be comfy as their standing counterparts. “They enjoy a greater number of comfy sensations in their lower torso and leg regions, whereas people who stand for extended periods often develop symptoms such as achy muscles and uncomfy feet. Interestingly, the comfiest people of all are those who sit for most of the day and then spend eight hours or more lying down.” McGuinness went on to state that in addition to being comfy, those lying down tend to be far cozier and, in many cases, snugglier.

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