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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Study Finds People Who Sit For At Least 5 Hours Each Day Are Comfier

BATON ROUGE, LA—A study released Monday by physicians at the Pennington Biomedical Research Center has concluded that people who spend five or more hours per day sitting are significantly more likely to be comfy than those who do not. “Our clinical trials indicate that individuals whose lifestyles involve sitting for less than two hours a day experience far less comfiness than those who sit for longer periods,” said the study’s head researcher Dr. Stan McGuinness, adding that seated individuals are up to 20 times as likely to be comfy as their standing counterparts. “They enjoy a greater number of comfy sensations in their lower torso and leg regions, whereas people who stand for extended periods often develop symptoms such as achy muscles and uncomfy feet. Interestingly, the comfiest people of all are those who sit for most of the day and then spend eight hours or more lying down.” McGuinness went on to state that in addition to being comfy, those lying down tend to be far cozier and, in many cases, snugglier.

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