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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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New Study Finds People Who Sit For At Least 5 Hours Each Day Are Comfier

BATON ROUGE, LA—A study released Monday by physicians at the Pennington Biomedical Research Center has concluded that people who spend five or more hours per day sitting are significantly more likely to be comfy than those who do not. “Our clinical trials indicate that individuals whose lifestyles involve sitting for less than two hours a day experience far less comfiness than those who sit for longer periods,” said the study’s head researcher Dr. Stan McGuinness, adding that seated individuals are up to 20 times as likely to be comfy as their standing counterparts. “They enjoy a greater number of comfy sensations in their lower torso and leg regions, whereas people who stand for extended periods often develop symptoms such as achy muscles and uncomfy feet. Interestingly, the comfiest people of all are those who sit for most of the day and then spend eight hours or more lying down.” McGuinness went on to state that in addition to being comfy, those lying down tend to be far cozier and, in many cases, snugglier.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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