New Study Finds Primitive Customers Capable Of Buying Tools From Hardware Store

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Vol 48 Issue 49

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony was beautiful.

Oscar Mayer Unveils New Weiner Drone

The 15-year-old Duchess of McComb, Alabama announces her pregnancy, a 38-year-old little boy posts a picture of a fast car he likes on Facebook, and the nation's hardass cops finally find time to play games.

Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect.

Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub.
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New Study Finds Primitive Customers Capable Of Buying Tools From Hardware Store

PHILADELPHIA—A new study published Friday by scientists at the University of Pennsylvania found that under certain conditions, even the most primitive of shoppers possessed the ability to purchase simple tools from their local hardware stores. “Our research indicated that while these customers lacked a highly developed prefrontal cortex, they could nonetheless use money to acquire basic tools and transport these items back to their places of dwelling,” said evolutionary biologist Sheila Simmonds, who co-authored the study. “This is a startling discovery, as we previously believed they lacked this capacity entirely. We even found evidence suggesting that some lower-order shoppers had a rudimentary ability to fumble in their pockets and try a different credit card if their first one was denied.” Simmons suggested that a future study might look at whether primitive customers had the verbal skills necessary to ask for the tool they wanted, or were forced to simply point and stare at it with their mouth open until someone helped them.

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