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Home Repair Tips

When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

We Should Get That Guy Who Does A Half-Assed Job To Fix Our Roof

Honey, take a look at the ceiling. Notice how you can see the nails through the paint? That's water damage. The roof must be leaking. No, the upstairs bathroom is over the kitchen. It's definitely the roof. We need to take care of this before the drywall rots or the lights short out. Hey, you know the guy who built Sheila and Barry's old deck? You remember, the one that collapsed at their Fourth of July cookout? We should get him to fix our roof.
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New Study Finds Primitive Customers Capable Of Buying Tools From Hardware Store

PHILADELPHIA—A new study published Friday by scientists at the University of Pennsylvania found that under certain conditions, even the most primitive of shoppers possessed the ability to purchase simple tools from their local hardware stores. “Our research indicated that while these customers lacked a highly developed prefrontal cortex, they could nonetheless use money to acquire basic tools and transport these items back to their places of dwelling,” said evolutionary biologist Sheila Simmonds, who co-authored the study. “This is a startling discovery, as we previously believed they lacked this capacity entirely. We even found evidence suggesting that some lower-order shoppers had a rudimentary ability to fumble in their pockets and try a different credit card if their first one was denied.” Simmons suggested that a future study might look at whether primitive customers had the verbal skills necessary to ask for the tool they wanted, or were forced to simply point and stare at it with their mouth open until someone helped them.

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