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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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New Study Finds Running For 20 Minutes Each Day Could Add Years Of Soreness To Life

EAST LANSING, MI—According to a study released Wednesday by doctors at Michigan State University, running for 20 minutes every day was found to be effective in adding several years of soreness to people’s lives. “We found that individuals do not need to exercise very much on a daily basis to increase the number of years they live in dull, aching pain,” lead author Dr. Justin Gallo said of the study, which found that for every 10 minutes spent running per day, subjects could expect to gain an additional year of stiffness and discomfort in their calves, glutes, and thighs. “Even subjects who jog just five to 10 minutes a day are likely to see an appreciable increase in the amount of time they live with radiating hip pain and throbbing in their knees. The real takeaway from our research is that just getting off the couch once a day may be enough to give you one or two more years of clutching at your lower back and wincing.” The study further noted that individuals who engage in strenuous runs of five miles or more every day of the week, regardless of temperature and weather conditions, were able to add, on average, an additional decade of being actively despised by acquaintances, coworkers, and casual onlookers to their lives.

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