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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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New Study Finds Running For 20 Minutes Each Day Could Add Years Of Soreness To Life

EAST LANSING, MI—According to a study released Wednesday by doctors at Michigan State University, running for 20 minutes every day was found to be effective in adding several years of soreness to people’s lives. “We found that individuals do not need to exercise very much on a daily basis to increase the number of years they live in dull, aching pain,” lead author Dr. Justin Gallo said of the study, which found that for every 10 minutes spent running per day, subjects could expect to gain an additional year of stiffness and discomfort in their calves, glutes, and thighs. “Even subjects who jog just five to 10 minutes a day are likely to see an appreciable increase in the amount of time they live with radiating hip pain and throbbing in their knees. The real takeaway from our research is that just getting off the couch once a day may be enough to give you one or two more years of clutching at your lower back and wincing.” The study further noted that individuals who engage in strenuous runs of five miles or more every day of the week, regardless of temperature and weather conditions, were able to add, on average, an additional decade of being actively despised by acquaintances, coworkers, and casual onlookers to their lives.

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