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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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New Study Finds Running For 20 Minutes Each Day Could Add Years Of Soreness To Life

EAST LANSING, MI—According to a study released Wednesday by doctors at Michigan State University, running for 20 minutes every day was found to be effective in adding several years of soreness to people’s lives. “We found that individuals do not need to exercise very much on a daily basis to increase the number of years they live in dull, aching pain,” lead author Dr. Justin Gallo said of the study, which found that for every 10 minutes spent running per day, subjects could expect to gain an additional year of stiffness and discomfort in their calves, glutes, and thighs. “Even subjects who jog just five to 10 minutes a day are likely to see an appreciable increase in the amount of time they live with radiating hip pain and throbbing in their knees. The real takeaway from our research is that just getting off the couch once a day may be enough to give you one or two more years of clutching at your lower back and wincing.” The study further noted that individuals who engage in strenuous runs of five miles or more every day of the week, regardless of temperature and weather conditions, were able to add, on average, an additional decade of being actively despised by acquaintances, coworkers, and casual onlookers to their lives.

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