Area Man Only One With Problems

BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems. Reports indicat...

Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee

GREENWOOD, IN—With relations in the patio area approaching crisis levels for much of the past 15 minutes, sources within Cityside Grill’s outdoor dining space confirmed Thursday that an uneasy détente had finally developed between area ...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad...

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems. “Our findings suggest that resolving all of the major issues plaguing one’s life, as well as all the minor ones, is correlated with a considerable decrease in the body’s cortisol levels, leading to lower stress and an increase in reported life satisfaction,” said the report’s lead author, Ellen Monroe, who added that getting oneself out of debt, ironing out any interpersonal conflicts at one’s workplace, patching up all disagreements with one’s spouse and family members, finding a good and affordable nearby restaurant option for when one’s friend is in town visiting, and taking care of several hundred other lingering concerns in one’s life was found to appreciably lessen feelings of worry and tension. “Once our trial subjects had thoroughly and successfully addressed every situation in their lives that was bothering them, the improvements to mental well-being were almost immediate. In fact, we would recommend that anyone experiencing anxiety try eliminating every last obstacle in their life as soon as possible.” Monroe later noted, however, that fixing all one’s problems resulted in barely a 12 percent reduction in anxiety on average, with the remaining baseline level of generalized anxiety continuing to persist and affect one’s thoughts and quality of sleep at all times regardless of whatever actions an individual has chosen to take.


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