Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time

NEW YORK—According to a study published Tuesday by Columbia Business School, the act of gazing out at the skyline from the balcony of an upper-floor apartment alongside your best friends is the strongest indicator that this is your city, your time. “The data shows that letting your eyes drift over the glittering lights as the magnitude of it all sinks in is the clearest sign that this—this moment right now—is yours to make it happen,” said lead researcher Mark Khalid, noting that leaning slightly over a railing while silently patting one of your buddies on the back strongly correlates with the fact that the city isn’t gonna know what hit it. “In addition, some of the most compelling evidence that the world had better brace itself, because here you fucking come, was an incredible view of all those faraway skyscrapers on a perfect spring night with plenty of beer to go around.” Khalid added that glancing up at the full moon while a jumbo jet banks gracefully over the river is, however, by far the most accurate predictor that nothing is going to stop you, nothing.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.