Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time

NEW YORK—According to a study published Tuesday by Columbia Business School, the act of gazing out at the skyline from the balcony of an upper-floor apartment alongside your best friends is the strongest indicator that this is your city, your time. “The data shows that letting your eyes drift over the glittering lights as the magnitude of it all sinks in is the clearest sign that this—this moment right now—is yours to make it happen,” said lead researcher Mark Khalid, noting that leaning slightly over a railing while silently patting one of your buddies on the back strongly correlates with the fact that the city isn’t gonna know what hit it. “In addition, some of the most compelling evidence that the world had better brace itself, because here you fucking come, was an incredible view of all those faraway skyscrapers on a perfect spring night with plenty of beer to go around.” Khalid added that glancing up at the full moon while a jumbo jet banks gracefully over the river is, however, by far the most accurate predictor that nothing is going to stop you, nothing.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.