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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time

NEW YORK—According to a study published Tuesday by Columbia Business School, the act of gazing out at the skyline from the balcony of an upper-floor apartment alongside your best friends is the strongest indicator that this is your city, your time. “The data shows that letting your eyes drift over the glittering lights as the magnitude of it all sinks in is the clearest sign that this—this moment right now—is yours to make it happen,” said lead researcher Mark Khalid, noting that leaning slightly over a railing while silently patting one of your buddies on the back strongly correlates with the fact that the city isn’t gonna know what hit it. “In addition, some of the most compelling evidence that the world had better brace itself, because here you fucking come, was an incredible view of all those faraway skyscrapers on a perfect spring night with plenty of beer to go around.” Khalid added that glancing up at the full moon while a jumbo jet banks gracefully over the river is, however, by far the most accurate predictor that nothing is going to stop you, nothing.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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