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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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New Study Finds Women Should Only Be Making 20 Cents Less On Dollar Than Men

WASHINGTON—A new study released Monday by the U.S. Labor Department found that women, who currently earn 23 cents less on the dollar when doing the same work as men, should in fact be earning only 20 cents less than their male counterparts. "This is 2011, and it is frankly ridiculous that women earn only 77 percent of what men make, when they should clearly be making 80 percent of what men make," department spokesman Frank Neiderberg said. "There's simply no doubt that, in this day and age, women contribute a full four-fifths of what men do to the economy. No doubt whatsoever." A coalition of feminist groups said the report "is a small step in the right direction, but doesn't go nearly far enough," causing many observers to point out that nothing is ever good enough for those people.

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