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New Study Finds Women Should Only Be Making 20 Cents Less On Dollar Than Men

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CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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New Study Finds Women Should Only Be Making 20 Cents Less On Dollar Than Men

WASHINGTON—A new study released Monday by the U.S. Labor Department found that women, who currently earn 23 cents less on the dollar when doing the same work as men, should in fact be earning only 20 cents less than their male counterparts. "This is 2011, and it is frankly ridiculous that women earn only 77 percent of what men make, when they should clearly be making 80 percent of what men make," department spokesman Frank Neiderberg said. "There's simply no doubt that, in this day and age, women contribute a full four-fifths of what men do to the economy. No doubt whatsoever." A coalition of feminist groups said the report "is a small step in the right direction, but doesn't go nearly far enough," causing many observers to point out that nothing is ever good enough for those people.

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