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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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New Study Finds Women Should Only Be Making 20 Cents Less On Dollar Than Men

WASHINGTON—A new study released Monday by the U.S. Labor Department found that women, who currently earn 23 cents less on the dollar when doing the same work as men, should in fact be earning only 20 cents less than their male counterparts. "This is 2011, and it is frankly ridiculous that women earn only 77 percent of what men make, when they should clearly be making 80 percent of what men make," department spokesman Frank Neiderberg said. "There's simply no doubt that, in this day and age, women contribute a full four-fifths of what men do to the economy. No doubt whatsoever." A coalition of feminist groups said the report "is a small step in the right direction, but doesn't go nearly far enough," causing many observers to point out that nothing is ever good enough for those people.

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