New Study Going To Take Another Week Or So, Report Scientists Who Look As If They've Been Crying

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Vol 48 Issue 01

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CBS 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Chad and Kristen hook up just like you knew they would, while the storyline you predicted two weeks ago about Paige being the one who spread the rumor of Raven being pregnant is revealed.

All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer

SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charl...

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Spike 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST How Eli Wallach became the Flash.
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New Study Going To Take Another Week Or So, Report Scientists Who Look As If They've Been Crying

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study scheduled to be released today by the cognitive sciences department at MIT is going to have to be delayed at least another week or so, confirmed a group of red-eyed scientists who looked as though they might burst into tears at any moment. "For the past year and three months, our team has been compiling data related to what will eventually be groundbreaking new findings in the field of neuroscience, but unfortunately…excuse me…unfortunately, we're going through some pretty tough stuff at the moment, and it's just…it's just not ready yet," said Professor Michael Frazier, his voice trembling. "I know you all came here today expecting a study, and we let you down. But given the circumstances, I'm sorry, there's just no way it was going to happen. Not after this. No way. Please don't yell at us." Asked whether they were okay and if they needed anything, the researchers attempted to utter a response and then quickly ran out of the room.

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