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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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New Study Going To Take Another Week Or So, Report Scientists Who Look As If They've Been Crying

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study scheduled to be released today by the cognitive sciences department at MIT is going to have to be delayed at least another week or so, confirmed a group of red-eyed scientists who looked as though they might burst into tears at any moment. "For the past year and three months, our team has been compiling data related to what will eventually be groundbreaking new findings in the field of neuroscience, but unfortunately…excuse me…unfortunately, we're going through some pretty tough stuff at the moment, and it's just…it's just not ready yet," said Professor Michael Frazier, his voice trembling. "I know you all came here today expecting a study, and we let you down. But given the circumstances, I'm sorry, there's just no way it was going to happen. Not after this. No way. Please don't yell at us." Asked whether they were okay and if they needed anything, the researchers attempted to utter a response and then quickly ran out of the room.

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