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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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New Study Going To Take Another Week Or So, Report Scientists Who Look As If They've Been Crying

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study scheduled to be released today by the cognitive sciences department at MIT is going to have to be delayed at least another week or so, confirmed a group of red-eyed scientists who looked as though they might burst into tears at any moment. "For the past year and three months, our team has been compiling data related to what will eventually be groundbreaking new findings in the field of neuroscience, but unfortunately…excuse me…unfortunately, we're going through some pretty tough stuff at the moment, and it's just…it's just not ready yet," said Professor Michael Frazier, his voice trembling. "I know you all came here today expecting a study, and we let you down. But given the circumstances, I'm sorry, there's just no way it was going to happen. Not after this. No way. Please don't yell at us." Asked whether they were okay and if they needed anything, the researchers attempted to utter a response and then quickly ran out of the room.

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