New Study Reveals Nothing Pfizer’s Lawyers Can’t Take Care Of

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Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...

Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...

Bank Of America Introduces New $50 Underdraft Fee

CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the penalty will cover the costs incurred by the financial institution whenever a customer makes a withdrawal that results in a positive account balance, Bank of America introduced a new $50 underdraft fee Tuesday on all checkin...

Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the business’s laid-back, nontraditional corporate culture, Go-Go Maps founder and CEO Mike Hannasch explained to reporters Thursday that his company is pretty casual when it comes to employees’ dress code and benefits...
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New Study Reveals Nothing Pfizer’s Lawyers Can’t Take Care Of

NEW YORK—An alarming study released Monday by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reportedly reveals absolutely nothing the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer’s high-powered lawyers can’t effortlessly take care of, no sweat, with no lasting damage whatsoever to the company or its reputation. “While Pfizer has for years benefited from record sales of its stable of flagship drugs, our research shows [not a damned thing the best and most handsomely compensated legal team in the country won’t make go away in a millisecond, don’t you worry],” read the study in part, which includes a series of troubling conclusions that are all being given a thorough read-through by Doug and the rest of the junkyard dogs in legal who will make goddamned sure any resulting litigation is either dismissed in a court of law outright or will result in a minor cash settlement that, c’mon, will be a mere drop in the bucket for a company the size of Pfizer. “Specifically, and most disturbingly, our data show [lots of stuff, probably, but who gives a shit what they show; there’s not a single thing any study can do to topple the world’s largest research-based pharmaceutical company, and there ain’t no way this study reveals anything Pfizer lawyers haven’t cakewalked through a thousand times before, easy peasy.]” According to sources, the new study also reveals its authors actually thought they had a chance in hell of bringing down fucking Pfizer.

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