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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.
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New Study Reveals Nothing Pfizer’s Lawyers Can’t Take Care Of

NEW YORK—An alarming study released Monday by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration reportedly reveals absolutely nothing the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer’s high-powered lawyers can’t effortlessly take care of, no sweat, with no lasting damage whatsoever to the company or its reputation. “While Pfizer has for years benefited from record sales of its stable of flagship drugs, our research shows [not a damned thing the best and most handsomely compensated legal team in the country won’t make go away in a millisecond, don’t you worry],” read the study in part, which includes a series of troubling conclusions that are all being given a thorough read-through by Doug and the rest of the junkyard dogs in legal who will make goddamned sure any resulting litigation is either dismissed in a court of law outright or will result in a minor cash settlement that, c’mon, will be a mere drop in the bucket for a company the size of Pfizer. “Specifically, and most disturbingly, our data show [lots of stuff, probably, but who gives a shit what they show; there’s not a single thing any study can do to topple the world’s largest research-based pharmaceutical company, and there ain’t no way this study reveals anything Pfizer lawyers haven’t cakewalked through a thousand times before, easy peasy.]” According to sources, the new study also reveals its authors actually thought they had a chance in hell of bringing down fucking Pfizer.

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