New Study Too Frightening To Release

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Vol 35 Issue 41

Turkish Man Kiss You

IZMIR, TURKEY–According to reports, Izmir-area journalist and table-tennis enthusiast Mahir welcomes you to his homepage and kiss you. "Welcome to my page!!!!!!!!! I Kiss You!!!!!" said Mahir, who enjoys taking foto-camera of animals, towns, nice nude models and peoples. Friends and neighbors of the green-eyed, mustachioed player of many many music enstrumans reported his tall at 1.84 centimeters. Mahir also stressed that who is want to come TURKEY, he can invitate. "She can stay my home," he said. "I like to be friendship from other country." Those who visitate Mahir and stay his home can expect to speak numerous languages with him, as well as participate in such sports as swiming, volayball, tenis and walk. "I like sex," Mahir added.

Clinton Says Badtz-Maru May Be His Favorite Sanrio Character

WASHINGTON, DC–In a surprise reversal, President Clinton announced Monday that Badtz-Maru is "probably" his favorite Sanrio character. "Badtz-Maru is a very mischievous little penguin," Clinton said. "I love it when he rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. Also, he lives in Gorgeoustown, where he attends first grade at the Gorgeous Academy with his friends Hana Maru the seal and Pandaba the panda bear. Badtz-Maru likes to take walks in the park with his pet alligator Pochi. He is so funny!" In 1997, Clinton had stated that Keroppi the frog is his favorite Sanrio character.

MIT Researchers Discover Each Other

CAMBRIDGE, MA–While attempting to isolate a gene believed to be key to the development of the autoimmune disorder myasthenia gravis Monday, MIT geneticists Dr. Stephen Eng and Dr. Caryn Sohn made a breakthrough discovery: each other. "I was examining some cellular tissue when my electron microscope broke," Eng said. "Caryn offered to share her microscope, and each of us looked at the tissue through one of the eyepieces. At one point, our cheeks lightly touched, and I looked over and realized how beautiful she looks without her glasses." Sohn felt a similar rush of emotion, saying, "I always saw Stephen as a respected colleague and a dedicated scientist. But that afternoon, for the first time, I saw him as a man." A process of trial-and-error sexual experimentation commenced later that evening, continuing well into the night.

Eight Million Americans Rescued From Poverty With Redefinition Of Term

WASHINGTON, DC–Approximately eight million Americans living below the poverty line were rescued from economic hardship Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau redefined the term. "We are winning the war on poverty," said bureau head James Irving, who lowered the poverty line for a four-person family to $14,945. "Today, millions of people whose inflation-adjusted total household income is less than $16,780 are living better lives." Said formerly poor Jackson, MS, motel housekeeper Althea Williams: "I never dreamed I'd ever become middle-class. America truly is the land of opportunity."

Time Foe Tha H-Dog To Give Props

Yo, peep this: I wanna take this opportunity to give a shout-out to all tha homies who got tha H-Dog's back in his day-to-day bidness as tha Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa over at Midstate Office Supply, know what I'm sayin'? Now, I know what all y'all be thinkin': Damn, that H-Dog, he a straight-up big-willie highrolla, an' if there ever wuz a person that don't need to give no props to nobody, he it. No diggity, bruthahs an' sistahs.

Local Man Orders Now

ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible SafetyCan, local resident Wayne Pusak ordered the "Rocket Chef" now, it was reported Monday.

Dropping A Hint

My man-servant Standish informed me that this upcoming Yule-tide will be the final one of the years that begin with 19. This fact got me to thinking and, although I certainly would hate to impose on any-one, it would sure be nice if I could receive the gift of a nice, new woolen shawl for Christ-mas.

Talking Air Safety

Several recent high-profile plane crashes, including an Oct. 31 EgyptAir disaster that claimed 217 lives, have once again caused airline safety to come into question. What do you think?
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New Study Too Frightening To Release

PALO ALTO, CA–Researchers at Stanford University are refusing to release a comprehensive three-year interdisciplinary study on the grounds that the results are "too terrifying to reveal to the public at large," sources close to the project announced Monday.

Dr. Desmond Oerter breaks down while discussing his terrifying, never-to-be-released study.

"In light of their profoundly disturbing nature, we have decided that it is in the best interest of public safety to withhold the results our study," said Dr. Desmond Oerter, head of the Stanford team. "So soul-shaking are the conclusions we have drawn, they would, if released, result in no less than the total breakdown of societal order, including the abandonment of the current political and economic system, rioting, looting, mass suicide and even, quite possibly, global thermonuclear war."

"I beg the forgiveness of God for unleashing this hellish study upon humanity," added Oerter, dropping to his knees. "I am death, destroyer of worlds."

Oerter then produced a pair of ballpoint pens and plunged them into his eye sockets. Moments later, he drove the imbedded pens deep into his brain by slamming his face repeatedly against the lectern, killing himself within seconds.

At a press conference later that afternoon, Stanford president Gerhard Casper assured members of the general public that steps are being taken to prevent the release of what is being called "The Study Which Must Not Be Named."

"All primary data gathered in the study have been destroyed, as have all research materials used by those involved," Casper said. "The world must never know what was learned here."

Though Casper refused to give any specific information regarding the study, he did note that the heads of numerous Stanford departments, including physics, molecular biology, TV & media studies, religious studies and economics, "cannot be accounted for at this time."

A censored chart from the terrifying Stanford study.

In addition to the missing department heads, two of the study's coordinators have taken their own lives, and three more remain on 24-hour suicide watch at an area hospital. Of the approximately 35 individuals involved in conducting the study, only a handful of junior research assistants and student volunteers retain their sanity.

"I'm not talking about it, and you won't find anyone who will," said 19-year-old Stanford sophomore Craig Blom, who, while working as a part-time lab assistant, saw nothing more than labels on the spines of three-ring binders. "But I'm taking the uncircumcised members of my family and moving to Fiji first thing tomorrow. And I'm not taking my phone or anything made of polystyrene. Or the cat. Definitely not the cat."

"All I'm saying about the findings is that apparently Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin and Thomas Aquinas weren't telling us everything they knew," said Stanford biology chair Dr. Richard Brandt, who was named to the position following his predecessor's self-immolation in a pentagram-festooned San Jose rib shack late Monday night. "Also, without going any further into it, I don't think sales of no-wax floor polish will be dropping any time soon."

At 5 a.m. today, senior advisors woke President Clinton to debrief him on the study, which he promptly ordered classified. Spokespersons for the Pentagon declined to confirm reports that more than 90 percent of the U.S. nuclear arsenal has been directed at the Bay Area for the past 72 hours.

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